Friday, September 2, 2011

Quickie Previews for the 2011 season

So, this year, I have decided to do all my previews for Michigan's opponents before the season. I figure that not much changes during the season, and I am too stubborn to change my opinion anyway. And since any Tourette's afflicted chimpanzee can write in-depth scouting reports about college football (seriously, Google that ish) I will put my typical SEMS spin on it. For my 6 loyal readers, you know what that means. For the people that stumble upon this looking for some weird fetish porn; I'm sorry, but good luck in your search.


The facts listed below are not based on actual, you know, facts. This is to be taken as humor, so don't bet your house (ok, let's be honest, anyone who would take this as gospel, and bet their residence is probably living in a trailer park) or kid's college fund on it. Except the Michigan State portion, I'm pretty sure it will be 100% factual.

Ok, with the lawya stuff out of the way (actually, I don't have a lawyer on staff, but I was watching Judge Mathis) let's get down to the nitty gritty. Nitty Gritty? When did I turn 60? The previews are meant to be read in less than 2 minutes each. Any more than 2 minutes, and it gets boring, just ask my wife. Right honey? Honey? Hun? Who's that Italian gentleman talking to my wife? Where's she going in his Fiat? Hon, where you going? Hon?

Ok, so maybe 2 minutes and 15 seconds will be better. Unless you can't read, in which case s.kfgduihgduslfgfghliufgihdsbo;.


Anytime you have a direction in your school's name, you don't count. And before you say West Virginia, that's the name of the state, and they still don't count. If you have a direction in your name, or it's only a fineable offense to fellate your cousin, you don't count. But I digress; WMU will be ok this year. They have Alex Carder who plays quarterback. And Jordan White had 10 td catches last year. I'm also willing to bet they have other players that wear uniforms. The bottom line is that Hoke will be looking to make a statement in his first game, and that statement will be accompanied by pointing, because that's what Hoke does. Easy Michigan win.


ND will be good this year. They have returning depth at QB, a Samoan MLB, the top incoming DL class in the nation, and a drunk driving WR. In essence, they are the Bengals circa every year I've been alive. They will be the typical ND team. They will win one to two games against real opponents, and beat the cupcakes to reach a New Year's Day bowl game. I just hope that Jimmy Clausen breaks his leg. Yes, I realize Jimmah is in the NFL for the second year, but I really can’t stand the emu. Close game.


I just can’t bring myself to say mean things about the Hurons. I also can’t bring myself to call them the Eagles. The Eagles have won two games in 2 years. They haven’t had a winning record since 1995. They haven’t been to a bowl game since 1987. But they return QB Alex Gillett and 7 starters on the defense. They should be better than they were last year, but that isn’t saying much. I’m guessing Hoke lets off the gas pedal earlier than normal since Ron English is a Michigan Man. Easy Michigan win.


The grudge match. The scorned team seeks revenge on the coach that left them for greener (bluer?) pastures. The surfer dudes versus the Northern hippies. The Hatfields versus the McCoys. Snooki versus dignity. This is a game I am looking forward to. SDSU knows what Hoke and Borges will do. They also have the best QB-RB duo Michigan will face all season. Sorry, Spartan fans, but it’s true. I think this game will be very close, but the Aztecs lost their 3 leading receivers from last year. Then they lost the 2 receivers who were expected to replace them in the starting lineup. Their WR 2-deep will remind you of last year’s Michigan secondary. Sorry for that visual. Hey coach Hoke, which way to the beach?

Thanks, yo!

At this point, I would be stoked for a 3-1 record, with a loss to either Notre Dame or SDSU. 4-0 would make me ecstatic until I remembered that they started 4-0 and 5-0 the last two years.


The Geauxfers lose their all-time leading passer, but replace him with MarQueis Gray, who is a tremendous athlete. They return 8 starters from a defense that gave up 33 ppg last season, so I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or not. I mean, YAY experience, but it’s experience that is not very good at playing football. The have a new coach in Jerry Kill who was 23-16 at Northern Illinois in 3 seasons. But his name is Kill, so they have improved in the “coach’s name is intimidating” area over Tim Brewster. I will go out on a limb, and pencil Michigan in for a W here.


Nerds –v- Nerds. Only, this time, the Nerds can fight back. NW has Dan Persa back from tearing his Achilles whilst throwing a game-winning TD against Iowa. They have 9 total starters back on offense. This will be a good game. Based on pure talent, Michigan wins in a massacre. But Michigan is transitioning, and NW is a very well coached team under Pat Fitzgerald. I think Michigan wins, but I’m not putting any money on it.


I will be nice. I will be nice. I will be nice. The Spartans have the second-best QB-RB duo Michigan will face this year, Kirk Cousins had 2825 yards and a 20-10 ratio last year.  He is being touted as a 2-3 round NFL draft pick, which LOL, so he has some talent. Edwin Baker is an All Big Ten pick. They have good depth at RB with Caper and Bell, and decent talent at WR with Cunningham and Nichol. They also have Jerel Worthy who some call a top-10 draft pick, despite his 4 sacks and 4 tfl last year. Another close game that could go either way, but MSU has all the momentum in the series.


I haven’t heard of this school, but they play every school in the country, so they must be tired at the end of the year.


Danny Hope is a cock-faced shit raper. I really can’t stand him, and his stupid pedo-stache. Ever since he flipped out and threw his gum, I hope he stubs his toe every time he wakes up to piss. When he coined the “Snake Oil” meme, I wanted to hit him in the face with a sock full of rusty nails. Also, their starting QB tore his ACL, and will have to play former Miami Hurricane Robert Marve. They also lost Ryan Kerrigan who was a first round draft pick. HAHA Hope. Karma’s a bitch. Michigan wins 134-0.


I thought bringing excitement to the Purdue game was tough… Iowa loses Ricky Stanzi, and a bunch of their BAMFs on defense. The return 9 starters total, and their “star” RB Marcus Coker will tear an ACL or contract Ricketts, because that’s what Iowa running backs do. Their QB is Dawson’s Creek sound alike, James Vandenberg, and he will throw it to Marvin McNutt. I just wanted to work McNutt’s name in there somehow. I hope I didn’t force it too bad. Despite the evidence to the contrary, Iowa will be good again, and will likely be favored in this game.


I want to thank the Illini game from last year for bringing Greg Mattison to Ann Arbor. The 67-65 3OT game sealed Gerg’s fate, and that is a reason to be thankful. I feel like I should send a fruit basket to show my gratitude. They are a trendy sleeper pick, which is a complete oxy-moron, but it’s true. Nathan Scheelhaase looked good as a redshirt freshman last season, and well, that’s about it. They lose Mikel Leshoure. They lose perpetual under-achiever Jarred Fayson. They lose Martez Wilson, Travon Bellomy, and Corey Liuget on D. And they have Ron Zook as their head coach. That sounds like it equals out to negative 3 wins. Michigan SHOULD win this easily.

At this point, I will say 6-4. 7-3 or better, and I will do unspeakable things to pictures of Hoke. Which picture?

Now comes the grinder. Nebraska and Ohio. Bring that shit, son.


I like Nebraska in the Big 10. I welcome their style of football, and their history. I just think that they will have success this year that will cause their fans to become insufferable. They are in a down Big Ten, and probably don’t see it. The only competition in the Legends Division is MSU, and they are coached by a moron. So, I will say this to them….”SHHH. That sound you hear is nobody being scared of you, no matter what happens in 2011. Have your fun. Enjoy the trip to the inaugural Big Ten Championship, because it gets harder. Not to say you can’t compete for it every year, but it won’t be this easy. This is like the introductory rate from Comcast. We suck you in, treat you well until it’s too late to back out, then BOOM, abuse you like Britney Spears’ children. We hope you enjoy your stay.”

Ahem… They return Taylor Martinez and 4 other starters on offense. They return tackling machine Lavonte David and Baker Stenikuhler on D. Kickers….coaching…blah blah. Probable Michigan loss until further notice.

What time is it? GAME TIME!!!


I was going to start off with a joke. Maybe a tattoo joke. Possibly a car dealership joke. Maybe something along the lines of a “people from Ohio are so stupid……” joke. Then I remembered that I’m better than that. Then I was reminded that I’m not. How many Ohioans does it take to get free tattoos? 2. One to get the tattoo, and one to lie to the NCAA about it. Right to their faces. Even when they ask you directly about the incident in question. And then you suspend yourself for less games than the kids who messed up. Then you just say fuck it, and resign.

HAHAHA. I love jokes.

Ohio is still a talented team. They will start 26 year old Joe Bauserman at QB and sprinkle in highly touted freshman Braxton Miller. As much as Pryor underachieved, he will be missed in Columbus. They will lose top RB Dan “Boom” Herron for the first five games, and another RB was just suspended. Their top OT is suspended for 5 games. You get the picture.

Their defense returns 4 starters, 2 of which Phil Steele named first team Big Ten this year. Nathan Williams, who had 46 tackles, 4.5 sacks, and 5 tfl, and LB Andrew Sweat who was their #9 tackler last year, and had 1 tfl. His magazine is based in Columbus, OH, so it makes more sense now. Fat Detroit native, Johnathan Hankins also returns. He is still fat.

Coaching wise, who the fuck knows? If Tressel returns, they win this game going away. With Fickell, I haven’t a clue. I am not impressed with their defense, and their offense “depends” on a 26-year old QB. Depends, get it? Unless Miller is some sort of superstar right away, I think Michigan wins this one.

So, there you have it. I am calling for 7-8 wins, and an early December bowl game. I can live with that in year one for coach Hoke. Hey coach, if we lose the toss, which side of the field do we defend?

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