Sunday, July 31, 2011

Fister-Furbush is done

And now I need a cigarette. The Tigers acquired pitchers Doug Fister and David Pauley for Casper Wells, Charlie Furbush, minor leage 3B Francisco Martinez, and a PTBNL. On the surface it looks like a wash, but I'm actually getting excited about it. Fister's stats are misleading, especially his 3-12 record. His era, whip, and BB/9 are outstanding. He was the victim of Seattles horrendous offense.

Fister figures to be a 4/5 starter for the foreseeable future. He is under team control until 2015. He isn't the flashy pick like Ubaldo or James Shields, but he didn't cost us Jacob Turner (who looked great yesterday, btw), Nick Castellanos, or a MLB starter like Scherzer or Boesch.

David Pauley is a reliever with starting experience. He is having a great year with a .99 WHIP and 2.15 era. He can hopefully do what David Purcey has been unable to do, which is not suck. He should slot in before Benoit and Valverde, which is a nice back end of the bullpen.

As for who Detroit gave up, the only pieces of note are Martinez and the PTBNL. Casper and Furbush are nice pieces, but figured to top out as AAAA players. Wells provides good defense and a little pop, but didn't get on base enough. Furbush is a swingman, which is easily replaceable right now with guys like Below and Pauley.

Martinez has a chance to be very good. He was 20 years old, and holding his own in AA. But he was blocked in the organization by Castellanos. He is a toolsy boom/bust player, that can blow up in our faces in 7 years. The PTBNL is rumored to be a top 3 pick from 2010. Those players are Castellanos (not happening), Chance Ruffin ( hopefully), or Drew Smyly (most likely). I like Smyly more than Ruffin, which means Seattle probably does too.

All in all, it was a solid move. I don't trust Penny to stay healthy, so depth was needed after Verlander, Scherzer, and Porcello. Below, Fister, and Penny should be able to handle the last two spots. The rotation goes down to 4 in the playoffs, so the odd men out can move to the 'pen.

Also, Fister.....heh heh.

Lions sign Stephen Tulluch

The Detroit Lions signed ILB Stephen Tulluch to a one year deal worth 3.35 Million. Yes,please. Tulluch is arguably the best young ILB in the NFL. He's only 26, and had 160 takles last year. He has a prior relationship with the Schwartz from their days in Tennessee, much like KVB.

To put his performance in perspective, Louis Delmas led the Lions last year with 84 tackles. For you non math majors, that is roughly half. My only beef with this deal is the length. I would like to lock him up in my basement to a long term deal.

This Lions D could be scary good. CB is the last "need", so expect to see Chris Houston back in Detroit.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Lions sign DT Quinn Pitcock

Fuck me.

The Lions have just signed DT Quinn Pitcock. Wait, it gets better. The Quinn Pitcock from Ohio State. Strike One. The Quinn Pitcock who plays the same position as Ndamukong Suh, Nick Fairley, Corey Williams, Sammie Lee Hill, Andre Fluellen, et al. Fouled it off, strike two.

The same fucking Quinn Pitcock who was drafted in the 3rd round of the 2007 NFL Draft by the Colts and retired after one year due to addiction problems. What was this cat addicted to, you ask? Meth? Nah. Coke? Nope. Booze? Weed? Sex? Not so much. Video games. The guy quit football so he could sit around and play Super Mario Brothers.

Seriously, why can't I be like 6'4'' 280 lbs? Is that all it takes to make big money? I mean, I love Grand Theft Auto as much as the next guy, but are there NFL teams hitting me up? The rhetorical answer to that rhetorical question is no, in case I wasn't clear. Never say I left you hanging.

That's it. I'm quitting this blog so I can focus on beating Sonic the Hedgehog. Maybe ESPN will hire me if I do.


Sometime this week, I reached 20,000 views. Not bad for a bunch of wrong predictions, infrequent posting,and dick jokes that stopped being funny in 1998.

Seriously, I appreciate it. Naked pictures of the author when we reach 200,000*

*Subject to change

Lions offseason review 7-29-2011

With the lockout finally over and the teams signing free agents, or at least agreeing to terms with them, I figured it was time to look at how the Lions are looking up to this point.
 All the drafted rookies have signed their deals and will not miss any practice time. Nick Fairley, the Lions first rounder signed a 4-year, ten million dollar deal. Wow, the rookies really got jail sexed in the new CBA. Last year’s #13 pick got 5 years and 22 Million. Of course, that player is Brandon “motherfucking” Graham, so he is criminally underpaid. In case you have forgotten, the other draft picks are Mikel Leshoure, Titus Young, Doug Hogue, and Johnny Culbreath.
 They have also signed a bunch of undrafted free agents. These guys are basically camp dummies, and will rarely make the team. I know, I know, Kurt Warner and Priest Holmes. I said rarely. Some notable names on this list (i.e. players you may have heard of) are…
·         TE Preston Dial-Alabama
·         LB Quentin Davie-Northwestern
·         LB Cobrani Mixon-Kent State (formerly Michigan)
·         P Ryan Donahue-Iowa
The rest of the names can be found here.
 Roster Cuts
Jordan Dizon and Bryant Johnson have been cut to clear salary and remove two sub-par players. Dizon was a horrendous “Millen Overdraft” in the 2008 draft, going 45th overall(!!!) Some notable players the Lions passed on in favor of Dizon?
·         Running backs like Ray Rice, Jamaal Charles, and Steve Slaton
·         Tight Ends like Jermichael Finley and Martellus Bennet
·         WRs like Mario Manningham and DeSean Jackson
·         I am just depressing myself at this point
·         Fuck do I hate Matt Millen
·         Why am I still typing in this bulleted list?
·         Because you are a lazy asshole.
·         Thanks for checking in, self-esteem.
·          Anytime, shitbeard!
Dizon wasn’t a horrible player, he was just a 4th round prospect. And Bryant Johnson was a gamble that didn’t work out. I hope these cats catch on somewhere.
None that I know of, so I’m not sure why I even made this section.


Drew Stanton (I still don’t get it), John Wendling, Dave Rayner, Dylan Gandy, and Brandon McDonald have all agreed to terms with the Lions. I understand ¾ of them. Can they cut Stanton and give him a chance elsewhere? In case you have forgotten, they started a broken-armed Shaun Hill over him last season. I personally can’t stand the guy, but sheesh. He’s getting strung along like a retarded Yorkie at a pet store. You keep playing with it, but there’s no way you are taking it home.

Free Agent Signings

To date, there are 5 new members of the Lions since Tuesday.
1.       WR Rashied Davis from Chicago. Huh? Dude has 14 catches in his last two years. Maybe a special teamer.
2.       CB Maurice Leggett from Kansas City. Who? He worked with Gunther in KC, so maybe he can work some magic.
3.       TE LaDarius Johnston from Seattle. Seriously? I thought we were set at TE with Grew and Scheffler.
4.       LB Justin Durant from Jacksonville. All right, now we’re talking. He should compete for a starting spot immediately.
5.       CB Eric Wright from Cleveland. This is the move (so far) that excites me the most. He’s a young CB that didn’t fit in Cleveland’s new defensive scheme, so he came cheap after a disappointing 2010. He also has the same name as Eazy-E. Fuck yeah!

Wright can be a number 1 CB if needed, and can slide to number 2 if Asomugha somehow signs here(doubtful), they re-sign Houston (possible), or they sign a Cris Carr or Antonio Cromartie (who knows?).

What’s Left?
 There are still some big needs to fill. Like I just said above, CB needs to be addressed since they ignored it in the draft. They still need at least 1 more linebacker. And OL depth is always an issue. At CB, the names Asomugha and Cromartie would be nice, but expensive. Hell, Cro has 14 kids to feed. Correction, it’s only nine kids……with 8 different women.BAAAAAAALIN. His dick has to be as tired as an anemic marathon runner. Shit. I couldn’t find 8 women that could even stand the THOUGHT of having sex with me right now without throwing up in their mouth. 
 So be prepared to see a corner like Carr, Houston, or Carlos Rogers receive some press. Any less than that, and we’re in trouble.
 At linebacker, it isn’t as big of a need. The have Levy who can play anywhere, and they signed Durant. Doug Hogue was drafted in the 5th round, so he’s a crap shoot. There are some big names being linked to Detroit like Steven Tulluch and Nick Barnett at ILB. Yes please. This defense has the potential to be sick with a few solid moves. Tulluch is that move, and he played for Jim Schwartz in Tennessee. Let’s hope he follows KVB and heads to Allen Park.
 So far, so meh. They haven’t made any OMG SUPER BOWL moves so far. I like Wright and Durant, but the rest are just so-so at best. I listed 5 signings above, and completely made one up, and I doubt anyone noticed since the first 3 are players most people have never heard of. The made up guy was the TE, btw.
I have to hope/assume there is big news on the way. I won’t be bummed if it isn’t Asomugha, since I never thought we had a chance. I am really hoping for Tulluch or Barnett at ILB. I really really want Tulluch. Seriously, I would do un-natural things if he came to Detroit. Ahem… Other than that, it’s all conjecture. There are new reports every 17 minutes that list new Lions’ targets. I would list them all, but as was previously reported, I am a lazy asshole. More to come as it all unfolds. So long.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

A look at the Tigers-Offensive Edition

So we’re 91 games into the season. If in April, someone had told me that Detroit would be .5 games behind Cleveland, I would have been fucking pissed. If they would have told me that we were behind Cleveland by .5 games, and were in second place? I would have offered to chip in on whatever it was you were on. Seriously, I got five on it. Add to that the fact that we are 4.5 up on the White Sox and 7 up on Minnesota, and….well, I dunno. I don’t think anyone knows what to think of the AL Central right now.

So how did we get 5 games over .500, and still have so much uncertainty? Let’s start with the offense. Seeing Miguel Cabrera and Verlander in the All Star game is pretty unspectacular. They are perennial All Stars, so it’s not that big a deal. I mean, congrats for sure, but hardly earth shattering news.

Well, the Tigers have 2 other All Stars on offense. Whoever had Jhohhnyh Peralta and Alex Avila playing or starting in the All Star game back in March, please raise your hands. Put your fucking hands down, liars. Granted it took a Twitter campaign from Verlander and an injury to Jeter, but here we are. Martin and Jeter did not deserve to be there, much less starting. Avila, Matt Weiters, AJ Pierzinski, Mike Napoli, and Carlos Santana are more deserving than Martin. And I won’t get into how over rater Jeter is now-a-days. But as long as MLB lets fans decide the home field advantage in the WORLD SERIES!!!!! and lets fans vote in guys like this, then I can’t take MLB serious. But anyway… Let’s take a look at the Tigers position by position.


Detroit easily has the best catching combination in baseball. How easily? Avila is  headed to Arizona for the All Star game. Martinez is hitting .316. Granted, Martinez is mostly a DH, but still. Avila has shut me up. I didn’t think he was an everyday catcher. Mea Culpa.


Another position of strength, as Cabrera joins Adrian Gonzalez and Mark Teixeira as the big three. This year, Teixeira drew the short straw. This also brings up another stupid fucking rule I hate about the All Star Game. The “Hippy, everyone gets a representative, as long as we all tried hard nobody loses “rule. Also known as the HEGARALAWATHNL. Teixeira is easily more deserving than….I just can’t do it anymore.


The positivity train has derailed. The Detroit second basemen are awful. How awful? I miss Scott Sizemore horrible. Raburn, Santiago, Rhymes, and Worth just aren’t viable major leaguers at this point. Whether it’s due to a down year (Raburn), youth/talent (Rhymes and Worth) or talent (Santiago) they have to have more production out of this position. This statement will become a disturbing trend in the coming positions. A trade has to be made. Soon.


Inge and Kelly have played like Inge and Kelly. Great defense and putrid offense. Binge is hitting .186, which is less than such stalwarts as Omir Santos, and well everyone really. No, I really mean really. He is last on the team among non-pitchers in batting average. He has hit one home run. Kelly is Ruthian by comparison. He is batting .247 with 3 bombs. But they at least provide plus defense. The offensive output can only go up, so the defense saves them. For now….


I will list Boesch here, since he has the second most starts in LF behind Raburn.  Boesch is having another impressive 1st half offensively. He killed it in the first half last year before going all Inge on us. (Too soon?) .306 average with 12 jacks and 43 RsBI. (I hate when people say RBIs. Runs batted ins? Run batted ins? No. It’s Runs batted in. /Rant over) Let’s just hope he keeps it moderately up after the All Star break. Fingers crossed. Breath not held.


Austin Jackson is playing like Willy “Mays” Hayes. Unfortunately it’s the Omar Epps/Major League 2 version, and not the Wesley Snipes. If there was a WMH in Major League 3, I have no idea. I went through years of therapy to suppress any memories of that movie. He just isn’t hitting. At least not like a leadoff hitter. He has 15 steals which ranks 13th is the AL, and is ironically tied with Granderson. Not bad. His OBP ranks 9th. Not in the AL, but on the Tigers. Not good enough for a leadoff hitter at any level. Add in his 100 strikeouts (2nd in the AL) and you are taking RsBI opportunities away from Cabrera, Boesch, and Martinez.

Boesch was covered earlier. Obviously his bat plays well in RF as well. I’m guessing, if Leyland had his druthers, Magglio would be the everyday right fielder, so I will focus on him. Fuck. He deserved the one year, $10,000,000 contract they gave him. He has done a ton for the Tigers. But he is no better than a pinch hitter right now. Why not let him rest until the playoff push?  Casper Wells can handle it defensively, and Andy Dirks deserves a shot. I would start Dirks 5 times a week until Maggs is ready or he proves he can’t handle the job full time. I am a big fan of Dirks if I wasn’t being clear.


I covered almost everyone. Dirks, Kelly, Raburn, Wells…yep. They have a typical bench. Good defensive replacements, few good pinch hitters.


Will Rhymes must have killed Dombrowski’s dog or something. He is hitting .321 with a .381 OBP in Toledo. He isn’t worth a shot at 2nd? That’s about it. There are a few 1B/DH candidates, but those positions are manned and manned well. At AA, Francisco Martinez is raking. Well, close. He is batting .286 with 7 HR, and plays third. That sounds so-so until you realize he is only 20 years old. It’s too soon to call him up, but he’s one to watch.


Here’s where it gets fishy. I love Leyland. I love his arguments. I love his smoking habit. I hate his batting orders. He continues to bat AJAX leadoff for some reason. I never got the fastest guy has to leadoff. I am a big “put a guy with a propensity to get on base in front of the sluggers” guy. So who would I bat leadoff? I figured you would ask. I would bat Boesch at leadoff. He has a .362 OBP and can run a little bit. He could set the table for the Big Guns. In fact, my everyday lineup would be…
1.       Boesch-7
2.       Avila-2
3.       Peralta-6
4.       Cabrera-3
5.       Martinez-DH
6.       Ordonez-9
7.       Raburn-4
8.       Inge-5
9.       Jackson-8

It puts the best hitters in a position to get the most at bats. And it puts Jackson 9th, so his speed will be on the base paths in front of the sluggers.


There is a lot to like about this lineup. Cabrera is a Top-5 hitter in baseball. Martinez is a great hitter. Peralta and Avila are the best hitters at their position in the AL right now. Boesch is off to a great start again. Raburn and Inge have to hit better, right? Right? Please tell me I’m right. Ordonez, when healthy, is at the very least average. I’m Mr. Brightside.

But there is also a lot to not like. Jackson couldn’t hit a bad driver with a fire hose on an Ohio freeway. He strikes out too much to use his speed.  Inge and Raburn have done nothing to show signs of turning it around. Avila and Peralta are playing out of their minds. Can they keep it up? I am Jack’s pessimistic gall bladder.

I think come September, this team will fall short as it stands. Chicago and Minnesota had horrible starts, and they didn’t take advantage. And they also have those pesky Injuns to contend with. They should be leading the Central by 8 games right now.


Well, trades have to be made. 2nd, 3rd, and CF are gaping holes. (Don’t Google image search that at work. Trust.) The defense at 3rd and in Center is enough to deal with the production. Second base is my bugaboo. If they don’t think Rhymes can do it, make a trade. Some candidates that may be available are…
(Note- I am listing good players on bad teams. I would love Rickie Weeks or Robinson Cano, but it ain’t happening.)
Ben Zobrist-Tampa Bay-Tampa is still in contention, but they are broke, and should lose ground on the Yankees and Red Sox fairly soon. He’s hitting .271 with 10 steals and 10 HR.
Neil Walker-Pittsburgh-The Pirates are surprisingly in the hunt, but it can’t last. Walker is young (25) and hitting .258 with 8 HR. Not great, but an upgrade.
Danny Espinosa-Washington-A leading ROY candidate in the NL, he probably isn’t available. But he has 14 HR. It would take a ransom, but I would consider it.
Ugh…That’s about it. But it proves my point. The good teams get good production at second base. So should we.
I will look at the pitchers soon, along with a look at the most valuable trade chips in the organization. So long.

EDIT-I for some reason had Martinez as an All Star. My bad. Fixed.