Saturday, October 20, 2012

The "official" SEMS Hate Week Drinking Game


LEGAL DISCLAIMER
THE AUTHOR IS NOT LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE TO COVER THE MEDICAL COSTS ASSOCIATED WITH IRREVOCABLE DAMAGE TO YOUR KIDNEYS, LIVER, OR REPUTATION SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO PARTICIPATE.

So, it’s Michigan-Michigan State day. Michigan has lost 4 in a row. Michigan State has a new QB and receivers that can’t catch. You know this. You can read that anywhere. I’m here to make your game day experience more enjoyable. Or, depending on the outcome, make it so you don’t remember what happened. You’re welcome.

So I decided to create my own little drinking game to follow along with while you watch. The rules are simple. If you quit, you’re smarter than the people that don’t. If you make it through to the end and are still able to stand, I wish to erect a monument in your honor, and worship at it twice a year. I just said erect, which happens more times than you would imagine. Ok, so legalities out of the way, we’re off.

1.       1 drink every time the term “Little Brother” is used. It was stupid when Mike Hart said it, and Michigan hasn’t won since.

2.       1 drink every time said 4-year winning streak is mentioned. My liver already hurts.

3.       1 drink every time Denard Robinson’s penchant for not tying his shoes is mentioned. We get it. He’s a senior now. Everyone knows this.

4.       2 drinks every time a player is called by the wrong name. There is no Virgil Smith on Michigan’s roster
.
5.       2 drinks every time an MSU receiver drops a catchable pass. I’m looking at you, Bennie Fowler.

6.       2 drinks every time Denard Robinson turns the ball over. Self explanatory.

7.       3 drinks every time one of those turnovers is an interception without a Michigan WR within 8 yards.

8.       3 drinks every time an MSU defender does something that would be considered assault if it occurred outside the confines of the game.

9.       5 drinks if it is by a player other than William Gholston.

10.   5 drinks every time Fitzgerald Toussaint is tackled for a loss/no gain.

11.   5 drinks every time Mark Dantonio tries to outwit himself. This includes fake punts/fake kicks/quadruple option reverses/and goping for it on 4th and 12 at his own 17 yard line.

12.   6 drinks when Michigan uses its second timeout with 8 minutes left in the first or third quarters.

13.   7 drinks if the camera catches Brady Hoke running more than ten yards to get the referee’s attention to do so.

14.   7 drinks if Andrew Maxwell or Denard Robinson complete 70% of their passes.

15.   10 drinks if Andrew Maxwell AND Denard Robinson complete 70% of their passes.

16.   Finish your drink if we see Jack Kennedy throw a pass. It’s either celebration time or incoherence time.

So there you have it. Have fun. Don’t drink and drive. Go Blue. Beat State.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

It seems like a good time to dust this thing off

It's been a while, huh pals? Life got in the way of typing dick jokes, which is how communism started by the way, and I haven't had much time to update. But unfortunately for you all, I have decided to share my thoughts on all things sports, and probably other areas. Feel free to continue ignoring me. I'm married. I'm used to it.

A quick recap of the current events. Go Blue, Beat State. Go Tigers, beat Valverde. With baseball bats. Seriously, there are tons of them in the dugout. Lions seem destined to draft in the 14-18 range again. Hockey is in the middle of the Stanley Cup Finals between the Brataslava Cosmos and some Canadians.  The Pistons deserve their own post in the way that Miley Cyrus deserves Vancomycin-resistant herpes. You know they're gonna get it, it's just a matter of when.

So click my ads, like me on the Facebook, and {insert dick joke here.} Also, comparing Brittney Griner to the crackhead from Friday was the number one driver of traffic to the site while I was gone. So take that 8th grade English teacher. Reading Shakespeare WAS useless.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Mitch McGary Commits to Michigan

He's the one on the left.

The Wolverines received a commitment from Brewster Academy's Mitch McGary. McGary is a 6'10'', 250 pound power forward originally from Chesterton, IN (the hometown of Zack Novak) who transferred to famed Wolfboro, NH to play at Brewster.

McGary is rated as the #2 player in the country to Rivals.com, the number 2 player to Scout.com, and the #2 player to ESPN. Yeah, he's pretty good. He chose the Wolverines over Duke, North Carolina, Kentucky, Maryland, and Florida.

As for his game, he does this...
 And this...

It's hard to find flaws in any highlight video, but damn.

McGary is the program changing player that Beilein needs. He has done "more with less" since his WVU days, and can now show what he can do with elite talent. He is widely considered a one and done, and top-5 NBA draft pick in 2013. UMHoops goes in depth.


He joins Glenn "Lil Dog" Robinson III, the number 34 player in the country, and Nick Stauskas who is rated as the number 79 player in the nation to give Michigan an elite 2012 class.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

East Lansing would need reform school to reattain Whore status


DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT SAYING MICHIGAN WOULD HAVE WON IF THE FOLLOWING PLAYS HADN'T HAPPENED. THE OFFENSE SHIT THE BED, AND THE WIND, AND BLAH BLAH BLAH. THIS IS ALSO ONLY INTENDED FOR THE PEOPLE THAT DEFEND WHAT HAPPENED

Ahem....Mark Dantonio is a monster. Not in a Kanye West "Monster" sort of way. In a "I can't believe parents send their children to be under his supervision for 3-5 years" kind of way. Hyperbole? Not anymore. He has attained a status in my mind that few have even approached.

This has nothing to do with his getting into a war of words with a college athlete. As soon as Mike Hart uttered the "Little Brother" thing, I could only shake my head. But for a coach of another school to respond, well, yeah. This also has nothing to do with him winning 4 straight against Michigan. I still respected and admired Tressel until he got caught cheating. I can respect losing games. Hell,if it gets a little chippy, that's cool too. But chippy would have to dial long distance to even speak to what happened this afternoon.

I say this with the assumption that Will Gholston will face no discipline from the coaching staff. I have to hope Jim Delaney and the Big Ten, or the NCAA step in. I mean, the dude starts guys that ate their breakfast that morning in a county jail mess hall. But for Gholston to not be benched for the remainder of that game is a whole 'notha level. May I present to you...



Meh. Things get heated, and Taylor Lewan is a known shit talker. And I find it hilarious when football players punch a guy in the helmet. But it should have been an ejection. Chris Spielman even said he would have tossed him. I think Gholston wanted to make sure his steroid enhanced turned NFL bust cousin Vernon would be proud, so he took it up a notch.



You can't tell me that he wasn't trying to injure him. He leaps on the pile, pauses, grabs his facemask, then yanks it upward. There is clear intent. How anyone can argue otherwise is fucking mind-boggling. If you think this is sportsman like, a part of the game, or otherwise excusable, then you are a moron. It makes me wonder how you function in day to day life. Can you operate simple household appliances without supervision, or does your mom have to lock up the hand mixer so you don't tangle up your ballsack in the beaters again?

I have many friends and family members who are MSU alum or fans. I respect/like/love each and every one of them. We trash talk all week leading up to the game, and even during. I have gracefully absorbed the gloating that has been thrown my way the last few years. I would expect nothing less from them. But to blindly support this guys actions is wrong. Just plain wrong. 

So congratulations, Mr. Gholston. You did things that would get you fined in the NFL, but will get you your own statue in EL. 3:2 odds that Dantonio names him a captain at some point in his career.

I will no longer consider this a friendly rivalry. I will no longer root for MSU in bowl games or against Notre Dame and OSU like I used to. Nope, I want you to lose. Every week. In either an embarrassing blow-out, or gut wrenching fashion. I will never-ever wish physical harm to any one, but I won't feel sorry for you if it happens. Play time is over. You want Michigan fans to consider you as a rival? Nah. I consider you lower than Ohio State. Both on the rivalry tree and as a fanbase/program in general. And OSU fans literally shit in their coolers.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Tigers-Yankees Preview

I hate….oh, covered that. This will count as my “legit” series preview. In typical SEMS style, I will do a positional breakdown. This will be easier since it’s only a 5 game series.

CATCHER

Who would have thought at the beginning of the year that the Tigers would hold such an advantage behind the plate? The Yankees have Russell Martin who had a good start, but wound up hitting .239, Hip, Hip, Jorge Posada who played in the first World Series, and Jesus Montero who is a young phenom. The Tigers have the All-Star starting, Silver Slugger winning (most likely), alliterative Alex Avila. He came into the season a question mark, and finished it as an exclamation point. If Avila needs a rest, the Tigers will turn to Victor Martinez. Yikes.

ADVANTAGE-DETROIT

FIRST BASE

Mark Teixeira joins Carl Crawford as most disappointing player in the AL East for 2010. He hit his typical 39 homers with 111 RBI, but his average was .248. His career average is .281. He can get hot and turn a series on its head, so don’t dismiss him yet.

Miguel Cabrera led the majors in average and OBP. He also threw in 30 homers and 105 RBI. He will get MVP consideration, but will probably finish second….on his own team. Still only 28, he is just now entering his prime.

ADVANTAGE-DETROIT

SECOND BASE

Here’s New York’s biggest advantage. Robinson Cano is a great, great player. He won the HR derby, hit .302, added 28 homers during the regular season, and plays aboverage defense. He is very good, obviously.

Detroit will counter with Raburn and Santiago. That is what Webster’s calls a drop off. You know the story. Raburn has pop, and is a streaky hitter. Razor Ramon plays solid defense, and has a little speed.

ADVANTAGE-NEW YORK

THIRD BASE

With mandatory steroid testing, Detroit wins in a landslide. Unfortunately Bud Selig cares more about money than silly things like integrity, historical context, and the health of his players.

Even with AROID, Betemit keeps this position close. He hit a 423 foot homer when Leyland was concerned about his knee. He has been a huge upgrade since he came from the Royals, and is on fire.

AROD has been injured most of the year, and hit .276 with 16 homers in 99 games. He is reportedly healthy, so who knows. He also is a known playoff-choker, so there’s that.

ADVANTAGE-NEW YORK (SLIGHTLY)

SHORTSTOP

Derek Jeter is a first ballot hall of famer. He is “The Captain” and has more World Series rings than Magic Johnson has white blood cells. I get it. I don’t get why he’s hitting second on a playoff team. Reputations can be a dangerous thing in sports. He hit ok this year, but has been declining since the Clinton administration.

Jhonny Peralta has been the opposite. He has gotten better the last year and a half since arriving in Detroit. He beats Jetah in every important hitting statistic, and his range is twice as large as Jeter’s at this point. It isn’t even close at this point.

ADVANTAGE-DETROIT

OUTFIELD

The Yankees have Gardner, Granderson, and Swisher. The Tigers have Young, AJAX, and Magglio. Uh oh…

Gardner is the leadoff hitter, who led the AL in steals and plays an incredible left field. He can change the complexion of a game with his speed in many ways.

Curtis Granderson is yet another MVP candidate playing in this series. I have been told, but cannot confirm, that he used to be a Tiger as well. 2011 was Grandy’s best season hitting .262 with 41 homers and 25 steals.

Swisher is an obnoxious Ohio State alum that once appeared on How I Met Your Mother. Strike Three! He is who he always has been. Middling average, good pop, horrendous defense. His teammates love his clubhouse demeanor which makes everyone else hate him. It’s the AJ Pierzinski syndrome.

The Tigers have another AL Central reclamation project in left. Delmon Young was once the top prospect in baseball. He was traded to Minnesota for Matt Garza, and never clicked up there. He has been a monster in Detroit however. He gives you Swisher production, except in left. He will smack a homer and allow a 
groundball triple.

Austin Jackson is enigmatic like a virgin cheerleader. He hit waaaaaay above his head last year, started slow this year, and picked it up in the second half. Who knows how he’ll hit in the playoffs. He plays the best defensive CF that I have seen this year, which is important at home.

Magglio, well he has come on lately. He too can carry a team when he’s on, but can also tweak a hammy putting his chapstick back in his pocket. Let’s hope for 2 more months of healthy-o.

ADVANTAGE-NEW YORK

STARTING PITCHERS

NY will go with a 3 man rotation against Detroit. CC, Nova, and Freddy Garcia.

Detroit will counter that with Verlander, Fister, Scherzer, and Porcello.

Nuff Said. Verlander>Sabathia. Fister>Nova. Scherzer=Garcia (worst case due to his inconsistency.) Porcello=?. Verlander>anyone else.

Verlander twice and Fister once can get the 3 wins you need to advance. It really is that simple. Will the Yankees win a game or two. Yes. Will they beat Verlander twice? No. Will Nova outduel Fister? Doubtful.

ADVANTAGE-DETROIT

BULLPEN
The bullpens match up fairly evenly. Valverde and Benoit are equivalent to Rivera and Robertson. They both have decent mop up guys, and both can get left handers out. I am leaning towards giving NY the edge due to their playoff experience, but Valverde has been lights out this year. Hey, I haven’t copped out yet…

ADVANTAGE-EVEN

MANAGER

Joe Girardi is a player’s manager. He is one of the best managers in baseball. He uses his bullpen well, and lets his players play.

Jim Leyland finally found a lineup that works, so hopefully he doesn’t try to get too creative. He leaves his starters in too long on occasion, but with JV and Fister it may be a good strategy. He has shown a knack for making good decisions on pinch hitters late in the season, so hopefully that continues. He also has a ton of playoff experience with Pittsburgh, Florida, and Detroit.

Sorry, it’s a wash. I can’t find any discernible reason to favor one over the other.

ADVANTAGE-EVEN

INTANGIBLES

New York is the team everyone thinks has a shot to win it all every year. Detroit had question marks up until August. New York has the biggest payroll in baseball. Detroit is 10th. The Yanks seem to choke at inopportune times. Detroit does also. Sigh…

I have to like Detroit’s chances. There is something to be said about having the best pitcher in baseball in a 5 game series. I like the Tigers. Wait…

ADVANTAGE-DETROIT

PREDICTION

I will take the Tigers in 5 games. JV wins twice, and Fister once. The Tigers will take on Texas in the ALCS.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Tigers will play the Yankees


I'm sorry. What I meant to say is FUCK NEW YORK.

 While it isn't exactly an earth shattering stance to take, I hate the Yankees. I hate AROID. I hate CC Sabathia. CC? More like PeePee, amirite? I hate Nick Swisher. I hate Cano, who won the HR Derby by having his dad pitch to him. He'd still be hitting homers if he had his teammate AJ Burnett pitch to him instead. Yes, I hate Burnett too.

I hate Rivera for still wearing Jackie Robinson's number. I hate Jesus Montero for having the same name as many people's lord and savior. I hate Bartolo Colon because:
  1. He's old and fat
  2. His name is colon, which is where poop is stored, and we all know Bartolo is full of shit
  3. Dr. Bartolo is a character in The Barber of Seville, and I hate that fucking FIGARO, FIGARO, FIGARRROOO SONG
  4. He's still old and fat
I hate setup man David Robertson for having a name that sounds like Nate Robertson. I hate Freddy Garcia because he's almost as old and fat as Bartolo Large Intestine. I hope Freddy gets fingered.

I hate Ivan Nova because my mom used to drive a lemon yellow Chevy Nova, and it always smelled like exhaust. I hate Brett Gardner for having so many stolen bases. At he reinforces the stereotype that everyone in New York steals. I hate Brandon Laird because his brother, Gerald, hit like Brandon Inge in his tenure in Detroit.

I hate Rafael Soriano because Michaelangelo was the better Ninja Turtle. I hate Dellin Betances because both of his names have red squigglies under them when I typed it. I hate Phil Hughes because he just sounds like he'd be a total cock-master, personality wise.

I hate Jeter. Yep, I said it. Fuck you, he got to bang Minka Kelly. (Who pales in comparison to my wife, if she's reading this. Hiya Sweetie) He also left Michigan to sign with the Yankees. I also hate George Steinbrenner(RIP, though) for signing Drew Henson away from the Wolverines. Jeter has been an over rated player for 5 years, and held his team hostage last winter. WAHH...I want to make eleventy-billion dollars for hitting .288 hit diminished speed/power/range. WAHHH...I wanna hit leadoff with my .710 OPS. Eat a shit sandwich on herpes bread.

Sigh.......Here's where it gets bad. I don't wanna do it.

I hate Curtis Granderson. I really don't, but I do. I hate that he hit leadoff when it was apparent that he was a 3-hitter. I hate that my wife (hi again, pumpkin) would leave me for him faster than Snooki's morals leave her on Thirsty Thursday. I hate that he became half the player when he went to NY. He wore 28 here, 14 there. (See what I did there?) I hate that he was everything the city of Detroit needed, but got traded away.

I hate him for reasons beyond his control, but hate him all the same. I don't hate him. I hate him. I don't..

I'd hate Luis Ayala, Boone Logan, Eric Chavez, and the rest but outside of their families, no one knows they play for the Yankees.

Oh yeah....Tigers in 4. More informative preview to come, unless guys named Vinny, Saul, and The other Vinny make me sleep with the fishes.

EDIT-I hate that I just now thought of Fister-Colon...

Monday, September 26, 2011

On 3-0, 4-0, and 92-67

On this date, September 26, 2011, the Detroit Lions are 3-0. This isn’t some weird situation where the preseason started late, so the games don’t count. They are 3-0 in the regular season. Of the NFL.


By now I’m sure you’ve seen all the stats about the last time they were 3-0. How Jimmy Carter was president, and gas cost $1.22 /gallon, and the number one song in America was Diana Ross’ “Upside Down”. Shit, I wasn’t even born yet. But there are other fun facts. For instance, only 8 players from the 53 man roster were actually alive the last time they were 3-0. In 1980, the Kansas City Royals played in the World Series. I will stop there.

But is all the celebration a case of a starved fan base grasping onto the first glimmer of positivity they have seen in what seems like forever? Maybe. Is this a mirage; a team playing way above their head that will struggle to win another game this season? I say no. This is a team that blew out Tampa Bay (10-6 last year, and 2-1 so far this year), Kansas City (which isn’t that impressive given their struggles this year, but they were 10-6 last season), and then rallied from a 20-0 halftime deficit to beat the Vikings in Minnesota for the first time since 1997.

I am trying so hard not to overreact. I truly am, but I’m not sure I have the self-control. This is obviously one of the 5 best teams in the NFL right now. Key word being now. Will they keep this up? Hopefully.

Up next is Dallas. Dallas is one of the more wounded teams going right now. Tony Romo is playing tonight with a broken rib, and is one hit away from starting Jon Kitna again. Miles “gums” Austin is out, Felix Jones and Dez Bryant are hobbled, and they have 2 injured kickers. Ouch….literally. This could be a completely different looking team on Sunday. They will also have a short week after playing on MNF.

Also, check out my predictions so far….Not too shabby.

As for the Wolverines, it is a similar story. They are 4-0, when I expected 3-1. It took the comeback of all comebacks in the greatest football game I have ever witnessed to beat Notre Dame to get there, but there they are.

Many thought that with “Gorgeous” AL Borges coming on as the offensive coordinator, that Denard Robinson’s rushing production would be limited. Wrong-o. Wrong,wrong,wrong. Denard is currently leading the NCAA in rushing yards per game since they didn’t count the Western Game. His passing game has regressed (save for the heaves in the 4th quarter of the Irish game) but his legs still need to be game planned against.

The defense is a toss-up from week to week. They gave up 207 yards on the ground to Eastern, but held Ronnie Hillman to his worst game so far. No one knows which defense will show up. They have only given up 12.8 ppg, good for 11th in the country, a far cry from last year when they gave up 7349 points a game.
There is more good news. They play Minnesota next. Yay! Minnesota is 1-3, and just lost to Div I-AA North Dakota State by 13. I would talk more shit about them, but their coach has medical concerns, and I’m better than that. Shut up cocksucker, I am.

So, it’s a pretty good time to be a Lions/Wolverines fan right about now. 7-0, with postseason aspirations, and Denard Robinson and Calvin Johnson are two of the most impressive athletes in their respective sports.  Of course, it could all come tumbling down like it usually does. I don’t care, I’m getting naked and dancing in the streets. Wanna stop me? Donate money to a charity. BOOM.

Also, as I am preparing to go to the monsoon turned game tonight, the Tigers are heading to the postseason. I have a future post planned, but I wanted to give you a heads up that I will be in the front row above the bullpen for tonight’s game at Comerica. If the Tigers start losing, I will be the guy drunkingly stumbling around in left-center before getting tased by a 73 year old lady security guard.