Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Tigers will play the Yankees

I'm sorry. What I meant to say is FUCK NEW YORK.

 While it isn't exactly an earth shattering stance to take, I hate the Yankees. I hate AROID. I hate CC Sabathia. CC? More like PeePee, amirite? I hate Nick Swisher. I hate Cano, who won the HR Derby by having his dad pitch to him. He'd still be hitting homers if he had his teammate AJ Burnett pitch to him instead. Yes, I hate Burnett too.

I hate Rivera for still wearing Jackie Robinson's number. I hate Jesus Montero for having the same name as many people's lord and savior. I hate Bartolo Colon because:
  1. He's old and fat
  2. His name is colon, which is where poop is stored, and we all know Bartolo is full of shit
  3. Dr. Bartolo is a character in The Barber of Seville, and I hate that fucking FIGARO, FIGARO, FIGARRROOO SONG
  4. He's still old and fat
I hate setup man David Robertson for having a name that sounds like Nate Robertson. I hate Freddy Garcia because he's almost as old and fat as Bartolo Large Intestine. I hope Freddy gets fingered.

I hate Ivan Nova because my mom used to drive a lemon yellow Chevy Nova, and it always smelled like exhaust. I hate Brett Gardner for having so many stolen bases. At he reinforces the stereotype that everyone in New York steals. I hate Brandon Laird because his brother, Gerald, hit like Brandon Inge in his tenure in Detroit.

I hate Rafael Soriano because Michaelangelo was the better Ninja Turtle. I hate Dellin Betances because both of his names have red squigglies under them when I typed it. I hate Phil Hughes because he just sounds like he'd be a total cock-master, personality wise.

I hate Jeter. Yep, I said it. Fuck you, he got to bang Minka Kelly. (Who pales in comparison to my wife, if she's reading this. Hiya Sweetie) He also left Michigan to sign with the Yankees. I also hate George Steinbrenner(RIP, though) for signing Drew Henson away from the Wolverines. Jeter has been an over rated player for 5 years, and held his team hostage last winter. WAHH...I want to make eleventy-billion dollars for hitting .288 hit diminished speed/power/range. WAHHH...I wanna hit leadoff with my .710 OPS. Eat a shit sandwich on herpes bread.

Sigh.......Here's where it gets bad. I don't wanna do it.

I hate Curtis Granderson. I really don't, but I do. I hate that he hit leadoff when it was apparent that he was a 3-hitter. I hate that my wife (hi again, pumpkin) would leave me for him faster than Snooki's morals leave her on Thirsty Thursday. I hate that he became half the player when he went to NY. He wore 28 here, 14 there. (See what I did there?) I hate that he was everything the city of Detroit needed, but got traded away.

I hate him for reasons beyond his control, but hate him all the same. I don't hate him. I hate him. I don't..

I'd hate Luis Ayala, Boone Logan, Eric Chavez, and the rest but outside of their families, no one knows they play for the Yankees.

Oh yeah....Tigers in 4. More informative preview to come, unless guys named Vinny, Saul, and The other Vinny make me sleep with the fishes.

EDIT-I hate that I just now thought of Fister-Colon...

1 comment:

  1. I hate Brandon Laird because his brother, Gerald, hit like Brandon Inge in his tenure in Detroit.Sports Good