Friday, July 29, 2011

Lions offseason review 7-29-2011

With the lockout finally over and the teams signing free agents, or at least agreeing to terms with them, I figured it was time to look at how the Lions are looking up to this point.
 All the drafted rookies have signed their deals and will not miss any practice time. Nick Fairley, the Lions first rounder signed a 4-year, ten million dollar deal. Wow, the rookies really got jail sexed in the new CBA. Last year’s #13 pick got 5 years and 22 Million. Of course, that player is Brandon “motherfucking” Graham, so he is criminally underpaid. In case you have forgotten, the other draft picks are Mikel Leshoure, Titus Young, Doug Hogue, and Johnny Culbreath.
 They have also signed a bunch of undrafted free agents. These guys are basically camp dummies, and will rarely make the team. I know, I know, Kurt Warner and Priest Holmes. I said rarely. Some notable names on this list (i.e. players you may have heard of) are…
·         TE Preston Dial-Alabama
·         LB Quentin Davie-Northwestern
·         LB Cobrani Mixon-Kent State (formerly Michigan)
·         P Ryan Donahue-Iowa
The rest of the names can be found here.
 Roster Cuts
Jordan Dizon and Bryant Johnson have been cut to clear salary and remove two sub-par players. Dizon was a horrendous “Millen Overdraft” in the 2008 draft, going 45th overall(!!!) Some notable players the Lions passed on in favor of Dizon?
·         Running backs like Ray Rice, Jamaal Charles, and Steve Slaton
·         Tight Ends like Jermichael Finley and Martellus Bennet
·         WRs like Mario Manningham and DeSean Jackson
·         I am just depressing myself at this point
·         Fuck do I hate Matt Millen
·         Why am I still typing in this bulleted list?
·         Because you are a lazy asshole.
·         Thanks for checking in, self-esteem.
·          Anytime, shitbeard!
Dizon wasn’t a horrible player, he was just a 4th round prospect. And Bryant Johnson was a gamble that didn’t work out. I hope these cats catch on somewhere.
None that I know of, so I’m not sure why I even made this section.


Drew Stanton (I still don’t get it), John Wendling, Dave Rayner, Dylan Gandy, and Brandon McDonald have all agreed to terms with the Lions. I understand ¾ of them. Can they cut Stanton and give him a chance elsewhere? In case you have forgotten, they started a broken-armed Shaun Hill over him last season. I personally can’t stand the guy, but sheesh. He’s getting strung along like a retarded Yorkie at a pet store. You keep playing with it, but there’s no way you are taking it home.

Free Agent Signings

To date, there are 5 new members of the Lions since Tuesday.
1.       WR Rashied Davis from Chicago. Huh? Dude has 14 catches in his last two years. Maybe a special teamer.
2.       CB Maurice Leggett from Kansas City. Who? He worked with Gunther in KC, so maybe he can work some magic.
3.       TE LaDarius Johnston from Seattle. Seriously? I thought we were set at TE with Grew and Scheffler.
4.       LB Justin Durant from Jacksonville. All right, now we’re talking. He should compete for a starting spot immediately.
5.       CB Eric Wright from Cleveland. This is the move (so far) that excites me the most. He’s a young CB that didn’t fit in Cleveland’s new defensive scheme, so he came cheap after a disappointing 2010. He also has the same name as Eazy-E. Fuck yeah!

Wright can be a number 1 CB if needed, and can slide to number 2 if Asomugha somehow signs here(doubtful), they re-sign Houston (possible), or they sign a Cris Carr or Antonio Cromartie (who knows?).

What’s Left?
 There are still some big needs to fill. Like I just said above, CB needs to be addressed since they ignored it in the draft. They still need at least 1 more linebacker. And OL depth is always an issue. At CB, the names Asomugha and Cromartie would be nice, but expensive. Hell, Cro has 14 kids to feed. Correction, it’s only nine kids……with 8 different women.BAAAAAAALIN. His dick has to be as tired as an anemic marathon runner. Shit. I couldn’t find 8 women that could even stand the THOUGHT of having sex with me right now without throwing up in their mouth. 
 So be prepared to see a corner like Carr, Houston, or Carlos Rogers receive some press. Any less than that, and we’re in trouble.
 At linebacker, it isn’t as big of a need. The have Levy who can play anywhere, and they signed Durant. Doug Hogue was drafted in the 5th round, so he’s a crap shoot. There are some big names being linked to Detroit like Steven Tulluch and Nick Barnett at ILB. Yes please. This defense has the potential to be sick with a few solid moves. Tulluch is that move, and he played for Jim Schwartz in Tennessee. Let’s hope he follows KVB and heads to Allen Park.
 So far, so meh. They haven’t made any OMG SUPER BOWL moves so far. I like Wright and Durant, but the rest are just so-so at best. I listed 5 signings above, and completely made one up, and I doubt anyone noticed since the first 3 are players most people have never heard of. The made up guy was the TE, btw.
I have to hope/assume there is big news on the way. I won’t be bummed if it isn’t Asomugha, since I never thought we had a chance. I am really hoping for Tulluch or Barnett at ILB. I really really want Tulluch. Seriously, I would do un-natural things if he came to Detroit. Ahem… Other than that, it’s all conjecture. There are new reports every 17 minutes that list new Lions’ targets. I would list them all, but as was previously reported, I am a lazy asshole. More to come as it all unfolds. So long.

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