The "official" SEMS Hate Week Drinking Game

LEGAL DISCLAIMER

THE AUTHOR IS NOT LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE TO COVER THE MEDICAL COSTS ASSOCIATED WITH IRREVOCABLE DAMAGE TO YOUR KIDNEYS, LIVER, OR REPUTATION SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO PARTICIPATE.

So, it’s Michigan-Michigan State day. Michigan has lost 4 in a row. Michigan State has a new QB and receivers that can’t catch. You know this. You can read that anywhere. I’m here to make your game day experience more enjoyable. Or, depending on the outcome, make it so you don’t remember what happened. You’re welcome.

So I decided to create my own little drinking game to follow along with while you watch. The rules are simple. If you quit, you’re smarter than the people that don’t. If you make it through to the end and are still able to stand, I wish to erect a monument in your honor, and worship at it twice a year. I just said erect, which happens more times than you would imagine. Ok, so legalities out of the way, we’re off.

1.       1 drink every time the term “Little Brother” is used. It was stupid when Mike Hart said it, and Michigan hasn’t won since.

2.       1 drink every time said 4-year winning streak is mentioned. My liver already hurts.

3.       1 drink every time Denard Robinson’s penchant for not tying his shoes is mentioned. We get it. He’s a senior now. Everyone knows this.

4.       2 drinks every time a player is called by the wrong name. There is no Virgil Smith on Michigan’s roster

.

5.       2 drinks every time an MSU receiver drops a catchable pass. I’m looking at you, Bennie Fowler.

6.       2 drinks every time Denard Robinson turns the ball over. Self explanatory.

7.       3 drinks every time one of those turnovers is an interception without a Michigan WR within 8 yards.

8.       3 drinks every time an MSU defender does something that would be considered assault if it occurred outside the confines of the game.

9.       5 drinks if it is by a player other than William Gholston.

10.   5 drinks every time Fitzgerald Toussaint is tackled for a loss/no gain.

11.   5 drinks every time Mark Dantonio tries to outwit himself. This includes fake punts/fake kicks/quadruple option reverses/and goping for it on 4^th and 12 at his own 17 yard line.

12.   6 drinks when Michigan uses its second timeout with 8 minutes left in the first or third quarters.

13.   7 drinks if the camera catches Brady Hoke running more than ten yards to get the referee’s attention to do so.

14.   7 drinks if Andrew Maxwell or Denard Robinson complete 70% of their passes.

15.   10 drinks if Andrew Maxwell AND Denard Robinson complete 70% of their passes.

16.   Finish your drink if we see Jack Kennedy throw a pass. It’s either celebration time or incoherence time.

So there you have it. Have fun. Don’t drink and drive. Go Blue. Beat State.

East Lansing would need reform school to reattain Whore status

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT SAYING MICHIGAN WOULD HAVE WON IF THE FOLLOWING PLAYS HADN'T HAPPENED. THE OFFENSE SHIT THE BED, AND THE WIND, AND BLAH BLAH BLAH. THIS IS ALSO ONLY INTENDED FOR THE PEOPLE THAT DEFEND WHAT HAPPENED

Ahem....Mark Dantonio is a monster. Not in a Kanye West "Monster" sort of way. In a "I can't believe parents send their children to be under his supervision for 3-5 years" kind of way. Hyperbole? Not anymore. He has attained a status in my mind that few have even approached.

This has nothing to do with his getting into a war of words with a college athlete. As soon as Mike Hart uttered the "Little Brother" thing, I could only shake my head. But for a coach of another school to respond, well, yeah. This also has nothing to do with him winning 4 straight against Michigan. I still respected and admired Tressel until he got caught cheating. I can respect losing games. Hell,if it gets a little chippy, that's cool too. But chippy would have to dial long distance to even speak to what happened this afternoon.

I say this with the assumption that Will Gholston will face no discipline from the coaching staff. I have to hope Jim Delaney and the Big Ten, or the NCAA step in. I mean, the dude starts guys that ate their breakfast that morning in a county jail mess hall. But for Gholston to not be benched for the remainder of that game is a whole 'notha level. May I present to you...

Meh. Things get heated, and Taylor Lewan is a known shit talker. And I find it hilarious when football players punch a guy in the helmet. But it should have been an ejection. Chris Spielman even said he would have tossed him. I think Gholston wanted to make sure his steroid enhanced turned NFL bust cousin Vernon would be proud, so he took it up a notch.

You can't tell me that he wasn't trying to injure him. He leaps on the pile, pauses, grabs his facemask, then yanks it upward. There is clear intent. How anyone can argue otherwise is fucking mind-boggling. If you think this is sportsman like, a part of the game, or otherwise excusable, then you are a moron. It makes me wonder how you function in day to day life. Can you operate simple household appliances without supervision, or does your mom have to lock up the hand mixer so you don't tangle up your ballsack in the beaters again?

I have many friends and family members who are MSU alum or fans. I respect/like/love each and every one of them. We trash talk all week leading up to the game, and even during. I have gracefully absorbed the gloating that has been thrown my way the last few years. I would expect nothing less from them. But to blindly support this guys actions is wrong. Just plain wrong. 

So congratulations, Mr. Gholston. You did things that would get you fined in the NFL, but will get you your own statue in EL. 3:2 odds that Dantonio names him a captain at some point in his career.

I will no longer consider this a friendly rivalry. I will no longer root for MSU in bowl games or against Notre Dame and OSU like I used to. Nope, I want you to lose. Every week. In either an embarrassing blow-out, or gut wrenching fashion. I will never-ever wish physical harm to any one, but I won't feel sorry for you if it happens. Play time is over. You want Michigan fans to consider you as a rival? Nah. I consider you lower than Ohio State. Both on the rivalry tree and as a fanbase/program in general. And OSU fans literally shit in their coolers.

In Depth UM-MSU Postgame Analysis

We Goin Dancin!

Bahahahahahaha

AHHHH hahahahaha ha
1,181 days sinc.... AHAHAHAHAHA

Yes it was one game, but MSU was a preseason top-5 team, and Michigan didn't return anyone who averaged more than 7.4 points. Also,

Michigan State to Play UNC on an Aircraft Carrier

UNC head coach Roy Williams has confirmed that his Tar Heels will play the Spartans on an Aircraft Carrier. Seriously. This will obviously cause ballast issues when Draymond Green attempts to come aboard, but there is plenty of time to get those issues worked out by Veterans Day. Despite the recent struggles, MSU/UNC will be a huge draw. Let's just hope that they travel to international waters, to avoid any legal obstacles.

Unacceptable

What happens when a once successful coach brings a program to levels not worthy of its history of success? He gets fired, right? Its time for Tom Izzo to go. He has a team many thought were NCAA title contenders sitting at 10-5 after losing to Penn State yesterday. I will allow you to catch your breath at this breaking news....Yes, Penn State has a basketball team.

This is Michigan State, dammit. He has already tarnished his "Saintly" image when he broke NCAA rules last month (though he thoroughly punished himself and the program by serving his suspension in the game against Prairie View A & M) and has shown a "Lack of Institutional Control" by allowing players accused of rape to remain with the basketball team. At least he didn't have his players practicing too much. 

Izzo may not have shown his emotional side by belting out some Josh Groban, he prefers to give his son the middle name of a former player. 

Hand Check!!!

I hope you realize by now that this is hyperbole. I am a fan of Izzo, but am sick of his bulletproof standing in sports.

My SEMS Holiday Wish List

No matter your beliefs, most people celebrate a holiday where you receive gifts around this time of year. I fall into that category as well. I am going to try to not get stuck with socks again by making my wishes known.

I want the whole RichRod situation resolved. I am firmly in the keep him camp, but am smart enough to realize that I am in the minority. So whatever Dave Brandon decides, just be 100% committed to it. The worst thing that could happen is some wishy-washy press conference pledging allegiance "for now" or "for the immediate future". Either fire him, or give him 2 more years (minimum), but make it concrete.

I want the Lions to win out. I realize that means Drew Stanton plays well, and Patrick Peterson will most likely be gone by the time they draft, but I want to see Detroit be more than an off season afterthought for the top free agents. Too many times, the Lions had to overpay to bring in marginal talent. This offseason is going to be crazy, (barring a miracle), and I want to see top players make this their first visit for a change. KVB signed here, but he's old a veteran, and had a long standing relationship with Jim Schwartz.

I want the Pistons to blow it up. All of it. Trade everyone you can. Rip? Gone. Tay? So long. CV and BG? Hasta and La Vista. Keep Greg Monroe, Stuckey, and maybe Jonas Jerebko. Get young players with upside and draft picks. The Iverson trade was supposed to open up money for Bosh/Wade/David Lee/et al. Instead they signed two guys who have started 5 games combined this year. I love Joe Dumars for the early 90's, and 2006, but yikes.

I want the Red Wings to keep doing what they do. I don't know enough about hockey to feel I can make the right changes.

I want the Spartans to remember one thing.


I want the Tigers to make a big trade. Not Aubrey Huff or Jarrod Washburn big. I mean Miggy/Dontrelle big. The Tigers have a few very desirable prospects in Turner, Oliver, Castellanos, Crosby, and Fields. Use them. I remember being livid after I heard they gave up both Andrew Miller and Cam Maybin to acquire Cabrera and Willis. They haven't necessarily panned out, so my position on baseball prospects has softened when it comes to the Tigers. Acquire an impact starter or corner outfielder. I am sick and tired of seeing the Twins make the postseason.

For NCAA football, I want to see Auburn beat Oregon........then get the title stripped in May when the real Cam Newton story breaks. Something has to happen to start cleaning up the game, and Reggie Bush giving back his Heisman isn't enough.

For Ndamukong Suh and Calvin Johnson, I want Pro Bowl starting spots. Suh came into the year with huge expectations, and has lived up to the hype so far. Calvin amazes me week to week, and despite the record, makes the Lions worth watching nationally.

For Jahvid Best, Brandon Graham, Matt Stafford, Troy Woolfolk, and Darryl Stonum, I want speedy recoveries.

That's about it. I don't want to seem greedy...

Big Ten Bowl Predictions

With all but one Big Ten game played, now seems as good a time as any to predict which Big Ten team goes where for December/January.

(A quick note, the SEC is hard to predict. If Auburn beats the GameCocks next week, they will play for the BCS National Championship. If they lose? All hell breaks loose with the Cocks going to the Sugar Bowl, and Auburn taking up an at large birth. So these will most likely be totally wrong in regards to SEC opponents. I also added this preface to work "Cocks" in the post to help with google hits.....and to make me giggle. Heh heh, cocks. I am also using Wikipedia for bowl tie-ins, so shoot them if the projection order is wrong)

Wisconsin- Rose Bowl. Your 2010 Big Ten Champion. They started the week with the highest BCS average, and did nothing to lose ground to Ohio State or Michigan State. They still have an outside shot at the BCS National Championship game, but it would take some absolute craziness to happen.

Ohio State- At large BCS bid. They are a team that travels well, and has one loss. They remain in second place in the Big Ten after beating Michigan 37-7. Which game will depend on factors I won't pretend to understand. I do know that it won't be the Fiesta since they are stuck with the Big East winner this year. So the Orange Bowl against Virginia Tech/Florida State, or the Sugar Bowl against Auburn/Lsu/Arkansas/South Carolina.

Michigan State- Capitol One Bowl. A great season for the Spartans ends with them playing in Orlando on New Years Day. Their opponent will be chosen from Alabama/Arkansas/LSU.

Here, again, things get muddled as Iowa, Illinois, and Penn State all 4-4 in conference, and assuming an Illini win at Fresno, 7-5 overall records. I will just base it on my perceived power rankings

Iowa-Outback Bowl. Yeah, they just lost to Minnesota. They were a top 25 team most of the season, and has a better recent track record than PSU and Illinois. They will be matching up against another SEC team, so who ever trickles down this far. I would guess Arkansas or South Carolina.

Penn State-Gator Bowl. This seems logical. I can't see a committee selecting Ron Zook over Joe Paterno. Paterno says he will return, but the dude is 83. The SEC opponent this time will be Florida or Mississippi State.

Illinois-Insight Bowl. They are the first Big Ten team not in a BCS bowl to not face an SEC team. They will take on the fourth pick from the Big 12, so Missouri/Texas A&M/Oklahoma State are possible foes.

Michigan-Texas Bowl. I am picking Michigan over Northwestern for a plethora of reasons.

1. This is Michigan's first bowl game since 2007.
2. Northwestern is without their starting QB.
3. The RichRod saga will bring extra attention. For this reason, I could see a bowl passing over Illinois/Iowa to take Michigan.

The Texas Bowl opponent for the Big Ten is the 6th pick from the Big 12. Think Baylor.

Northwestern-TicketCity Bowl. The what? Yep, it exists. Any who, they will face another team from the Big 12. Texas Tech or Kansas State are all that's left.

So there you have it. Depending on your travel agent's refund/cancellation policy, order your tickets now.

Recapping a strange weekend in the Big Ten

I didn't have high hopes for the slate of games on the Big Ten schedule this weekend. The only game I thought might be interesting was the Iowa-Northwestern game, and at least that didn't disappoint. Let's take a look at the games, shall we?

Indiana at Wisconsin-The Badgers put up 83 points against Indiana. 83. Quick sidenote-Wisconsin is the third Big Ten school this season whose football team may score more points than their basketball team. The list:

1. Wisconsin- They make the list twice with outbursts of 83 and 70 points. The Badgers are always a good basketball team, but are not known for their offense.In fact, they ony scored 83 or more 3 times last season, and lost their starting guards from last year.
2. Michigan-It could be a long year at Crisler this year, and may need triple overtime to reach 67 points just like their gridiron counterparts. Without Manny Harris and DeShawn Sims, they are going to rely heavily on Tim Hardaway Jr.
3. Iowa-On September 25, Iowa scored 45 points against Ball State. It may be a calendar year until a scoreboard in Iowa City has to reach that high again. If there is a team that is searching for offense harder than Michigan, it will be Iowa. I am only half joking on this one.

 Anyway, most points since 1915, running up the score, yada yada yada. The defense has the responsibility to stop the other team, and cheers, Indiana,

Minnesota at Illinois-The Gophers won. Told you it was a strange weekend.

Michigan at Purdue- The only thing that happened more frequently than turnovers in this game were Ro-Tel/Buffalo Wild Wings commercials on the Big Ten Network, and the announcers fellating Cam Newton in the Auburn/Georgia game. Ten turnovers. How many?

Ten costly turnovers, ah ah ah

Stranger yet, the Michigan defense didn't allow a TD. Granted Purdue:Offense::Ke$ha:Talented, but still, they only gave up 3 FGs and a Pick 6. I take nothing away from that, but it is nice to type.

Penn State at Ohio State- It was a tale of two halves in Columbus as The Nittany Lions took a 14-3 lead into halftime. The second half, not so much. 35 unanswered points sealed the deal, and will remain in the top ten. After the game, I caught up with Joe Paterno and asked about his teams performance. His response was 

"I really like banana pudding, but they only had tapioca. I can't digest tapioca, so I changed sweaters. When the cat meows, I go for a walk to clear my garage. I only wish Bruce Willis would make another Die Hard movie. I really liked My Two Sons, but the Cadillac Eldorado had a large backseat. We are going to the zoo, but are bringing our own garbage bags."

Iowa at Northwestern-The biggest "upset" of the weekend as Iowa was ranked 13th, and 64% of the country realized that Northwestern had a football team. This game had it all,including  Ricky Stanzi, American, but the story was NW QB Dan Persa. He led a comeback drive, and ruptures his Achilles Tendon on the game winning TD pass. Tough break for arguably the best QB in the Big Ten this season. Just when Northwestern was, Oh, Wisconsin just scored again, looking like a threat to play spoiler at Wisconsin, their season essentially ends.

Michigan State had a bye week, and will host Purdue next Saturday. Expect the Boilermakers to score -13 points against the Spartans. As far as I know, no MSU players were arrested either, a situation Mark Dantonio calls "Encouraging."

So that's it. Michigan got some good news Friday as  Dallas Crawford, a CB from Florida, committed to the Wolverines. This is great news on its own since I am currently third on the Michigan depth chart at the SS position, but he is also teammates and friends with WR Sammy Watkins who is pretty much down to Clemson and Michigan.

The early question heading into next weekend is how many points will Wisconsin and Michigan score? I tried downloading a Math program to calculate the final score and got this...

UM-MSU Recap

Somebody finally stopped Denard Robinson. Michigan once again grabbed the facemask of every breathing person in a 15 mile radius. Oh, and hey, check out this pen.

The Lions play the St. Louis Rams today in their best opportunity for a victory to date. No more moral victories, time to get the W.

Super Quickie Preview

No time this morning. Prepping for gameday.

This is going to be a good game. Without sounding too cliche, I believe the winner will be the team who gets the last possession. The keys to this game will be the run defense. Michigan has had problems stopping the run and the pass, but the strength of the Spartan offense is their trio of RBs. Can Ezeh, and Mouton contain Caper, Baker, and Bell? We shall see.

The key for MSU, as will be the key for everyone left on Michigan's schedule, is trying to limit Denard Robinson's rushing yards. Good luck. I say he still goes for 200+.

Final prediction?

Michigan 49
Michigan State 45

Quick note, as I mentioned on Tuesday, Orlando Dr. Phillips RB Dee Hart made his decision last night. He committed to Michigan. He has the ability to start next year as a true freshman, and adding him in the backfield to Denard Robinson just seems unfair.

MSU Roundtable

I recently got the chance to sit down with a few Spartan insiders to discuss this Saturday's big game.

We'll start with MSU head cheerleader, Amber French.  Amber, any thoughts on the game Saturday?

Um....... So yeah, excellent perspective. Maybe former coach John L. Smith has a little more insight. Coach, despite being  0-4 against Michigan, what feeling comes to mind when you think back on the Rivalry?

(Incoherent)

Dynamite stuff...Let's try another expert, former Spartan WR Charles Rogers. Chuck, despite a tumultuous NFL career, you had some success against Michigan in your two years in East Lansing. How did you prepare for the big game?

 Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons. 

That doesn't sound like the greatest pre-game meal, but you are the elite athlete. What was the mindset of the team following the infamous "Clockgate" game in 2001?

 You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some crazy shit, man. There's a dude in the bushes. Has he got a gun? I dunno! RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO. 

Not recently.....Did you.....How.....Moving on.  Maybe another former MSU WR can shed some light on the game. Plaxico Burress, did the team do anything special in the week leading up to the Michigan game?

(silence)

Mr. Burress?

(silence)

Inmate 4872234 has lost his phone privileges.

This is going swimmingly. Well, I think that will wrap up this segment forever...

WAIT!!!! What about me? I play for the Lions! I was drafted ahead of those scUM players David Harris and LaMarr Woodley. Did I mention I play for the Lions?

Yes, you were drafted by Matt Millen, and saying you "play" for the Lions is stretching it a bit.

You can't blame that on me. I wanted Sidney Rice.

Who the hell invited Matt Millen? This is getting out of hand. Do any of you want to make a prediction for the game on Saturday?

 First of all to understand what happened to killer, you gotta understand who killer the dog was. Now killer was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. He was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he's a small time gun runner and a rotweiler fight promoter. So he puts killer into training. They see killer's good. He is damn good. But then he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother nibbles. And killer said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight nibbles" but they made him fight anyway, and killer, he killed nibbles. Killer said "that's it!" he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out. Then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart no longer beat. wow. 

Say, man, you got a joint?

No, not on me, man.

It'd be a lot cooler if you diiiiid.

You know uh, I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but you two smoke entirely too much reefer. Well, I guess that wraps up this year's MSU Roundtable. Please join us next year, though I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

Think of the furniture...Won't someone please think of the furniture?!?

---------------------------------------------------DISCLAIMER------------------------------------------------------

The following report contains graphic images which may not be suitable for young children, Viewer discretion is advised.

Senseless. This rash of violence against an entire race of second-hand couches has reached an all time high in college towns across the United States. What started as a form of protest after a team's big loss has been taken to a whole 'nother level in East Lansing. Win or lose, that Lazy Boy is getting torched. There is no time to recover the 7 year supply of skittles lodged between the cushions.  That $1.22 in change is collateral damage.  Nope,  a big win in East Lansing, spells doomsday for living room sets everywhere.  So I ask, nay, I pray of you......

Every fall, hundreds of loveseats lose their spouses.  Thousands of reclining chairs become orphans, forced into the custody of Salvation Army stores against their will.

Puh,puh,puh pwease don't burn my daddy....

*This has been a public service announcement paid for by the Wolverine fans against couchicide.

MSU Linebacker Greg Jones named Head Coach of the New York Knickerbockers

MSU Linebacker Greg Jones has been presented with the opportunity of a lifetime, and may be out for this Saturday's Michigan-Michigan State game of tackle football. I had no prior knowledge of his coaching abilities, but congrats Greg.

I am just getting word that my sources are incorrect, and it was a case of mistaken identity.  My apologies. Carry on smartly.