The "official" SEMS Hate Week Drinking Game

LEGAL DISCLAIMER

THE AUTHOR IS NOT LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE TO COVER THE MEDICAL COSTS ASSOCIATED WITH IRREVOCABLE DAMAGE TO YOUR KIDNEYS, LIVER, OR REPUTATION SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO PARTICIPATE.

So, it’s Michigan-Michigan State day. Michigan has lost 4 in a row. Michigan State has a new QB and receivers that can’t catch. You know this. You can read that anywhere. I’m here to make your game day experience more enjoyable. Or, depending on the outcome, make it so you don’t remember what happened. You’re welcome.

So I decided to create my own little drinking game to follow along with while you watch. The rules are simple. If you quit, you’re smarter than the people that don’t. If you make it through to the end and are still able to stand, I wish to erect a monument in your honor, and worship at it twice a year. I just said erect, which happens more times than you would imagine. Ok, so legalities out of the way, we’re off.

1.       1 drink every time the term “Little Brother” is used. It was stupid when Mike Hart said it, and Michigan hasn’t won since.

2.       1 drink every time said 4-year winning streak is mentioned. My liver already hurts.

3.       1 drink every time Denard Robinson’s penchant for not tying his shoes is mentioned. We get it. He’s a senior now. Everyone knows this.

4.       2 drinks every time a player is called by the wrong name. There is no Virgil Smith on Michigan’s roster

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5.       2 drinks every time an MSU receiver drops a catchable pass. I’m looking at you, Bennie Fowler.

6.       2 drinks every time Denard Robinson turns the ball over. Self explanatory.

7.       3 drinks every time one of those turnovers is an interception without a Michigan WR within 8 yards.

8.       3 drinks every time an MSU defender does something that would be considered assault if it occurred outside the confines of the game.

9.       5 drinks if it is by a player other than William Gholston.

10.   5 drinks every time Fitzgerald Toussaint is tackled for a loss/no gain.

11.   5 drinks every time Mark Dantonio tries to outwit himself. This includes fake punts/fake kicks/quadruple option reverses/and goping for it on 4^th and 12 at his own 17 yard line.

12.   6 drinks when Michigan uses its second timeout with 8 minutes left in the first or third quarters.

13.   7 drinks if the camera catches Brady Hoke running more than ten yards to get the referee’s attention to do so.

14.   7 drinks if Andrew Maxwell or Denard Robinson complete 70% of their passes.

15.   10 drinks if Andrew Maxwell AND Denard Robinson complete 70% of their passes.

16.   Finish your drink if we see Jack Kennedy throw a pass. It’s either celebration time or incoherence time.

So there you have it. Have fun. Don’t drink and drive. Go Blue. Beat State.

Big Ten Coaches React to Hoke Hiring

I recently completed a four day road trip to interview the head coaches from the other Big Ten schools to gather their opinions on Michigan hiring Brady Hoke. The following are some of the highlights...

Ron Zook, Illinois- Coach Zook would not answer any specific questions about Hoke, but did drop down and knock out 40 one-handed push ups. I can only assume he was trying to intimidate me.....or court me, I haven't been able to figure out which. Since our meeting, he has sent me 15-20 strongly worded texts a day.

Bill Lynch, Indiana- I was chagrined to learn that Lynch was fired. He had a tumultuous relationship with Rich Rodriguez, and was hoping for some insight. New coach Kevin Wilson was busy recruiting, and was unable to meet with me.

Kirk Ferentz, Iowa- After being a rumored candidate to replace Lloyd Carr during the last fiasco, Kirk Ferentz holds unique insight into the workings of a Michigan coaching search. He was unable to comment on David Brandon, since his dealings were with Bill Martin. He did however offer me a scholarship to play RB.

Mark Dantonio, Michigan State- I mistakenly wore Maize and Blue as I walked into Coach Dantonio's office. Big mistake. He would not let me record the conversation, but if memory serves me right, he uttered the following phrases.

• If Michigan were battling prostate cancer, he would root for the cancer
• He rhymed Hoke with "choke, joke, smoke, poke, and broke". I mentioned that he forgot "toke", and Charles Rogers appeared out of thin air. Dantonio also chucked a stapler at me.
• He was afraid that Michigan could no longer be considered the "little brother", an obvious reference to Hoke's size.
• He offered a moment of silence for the U of M program.

He then excused himself, explaining that he needed to pick up his new starting RT, and that traffic in Jackson can be hectic.

Pat Fitzgerald, Northwestern- Coach Fitz was another supposed candidate for the vacancy in Ann Arbor, so I was looking forward to meeting with him. Unsurprisingly, as an NW alum, his answers were bland and filled with big words. In a nutshell, he was complimentary to Brandon, and wished Hoke well. He looked forward to continuing the rivalry with Michigan both on and off the field.

Bo Pelini, Nebraska- I figured I should get the Cornhusker perspective, since both Hoke and Pelini would be making their Big Ten debuts in 2011. He said he had just started to watch tape of Michigan's offense the day Rich was fired, and was gathering tape on SDSU as we spoke. I asked if he had ever run into Hoke on the recruiting trail, and he proceded to poke me in the chest, and call me a pussy for suggesting such a thing. I ran away, and decided to never step foot in Nebraska again.

Jim Tressel, Ohio State- Apathetic, or maybe unconcerned would best describe the 35 or so seconds we spoke. He welcomed Coach Hoke into the Big Ten, saying "Michigan succeeding was good for Ohio State, The Big Ten, and the NCAA". As I took a sip of water and pondered my next inquiry, I tripped over a box in the hallway labeled "Scarlet Vests" and spiiled some of my water on him. His head started spinning around, and smoke billowed from his ears and he slumped to the ground. Minutes later, the IT department introduced me to the real coach of the Buckeyes.

BXDG7799, Ohio State- I don't speak binary, but this is what printed from his robot mouth..."010001100111010101100011011010110010000001001101011010010110001101101000011010010110011101100001011011100010111000100000010010010010000001101000011011110111000001100101001000000111010001101000011001010010000001100101011011100111010001101001011100100110010100100000011100110111010001100001011101000110010100100000011000100111010101110010011011100111001100100000011101000110111100100000011101000110100001100101001000000110011101110010011011110111010101101110011001000010110000100000011000010110111001100100001000000111010001101000011011110111001101100101001000000110011001100001011101000010000001100011011010000110100101101100011001000010000001101101011011110110110001100101011100110111010001100101011100100111001100100000011001000110100101100101001000000110111101100110001000000100000101001001010001000101001100101110"

Joe Paterno, Penn State- "I remember when the Hoke family first stepped off the Mayflower. I was just starting at Penn State, and had a terrible case of Chilblains, and couldn't find my wooden spoon. I told George " Things are going to be tough for the horses this winter, maybe I should eat a sandwich". Well, Bill had gone to the well, to fetch a pail of..Llama's once abducted my favorite sweater, so I shot a bald eagle with a feather pen." At that point, I smelled feces, and Coach fell asleep. I let myself out.

At this point, I realized that, like most Michigan fans, these coaches had no idea what to expect. I canceled my trip to Purdue. Coach Bielema from Wisconsin happened to be in my area, and stopped by, but once again offered little in the way of insight. He did get his haircut 3 times during our 15 minute meeting, which I found odd.

All in all, it was a fun trip. I have seen these coaches on TV, but never in person. Coach Fitzgerald was extremely nice, and the Ohio State thing was strange. Coach Dantonio asked me to accompany him on his "recruiting trip", but only if I would swallow these strange balloons. I declined, and he parted with words that will haunt by nightmares.....

If I am dreaming, don't wake me up

Sometimes you wake up, and the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you find a $20 dollar bill in your pocket that you don't remember acquiring. As a sports blogger, today was one of those days. The sun had yet to rise, the smart birds have all flown south, and all I found in my pockets was a gum wrapper, and a scribbled on napkin containing my foolproof plans to take over the world. But I always have sports. Sports and schadenfreude.

The first thing I see on Mike and Mike is a story about New York Jets coach Rex Ryan and his wife starring in a foot fetish video. Baahahaha.  Ryan is as animated a character as there is in NFL coaching. Before he faced the Browns, who employ his twin brother as their defensive coordinator, he dressed up in a wig to mimic the long locks adorning his brother's head. Ok, good natured ribbing. He has also got into a war of words with Dolphins LB Channing Crowder. Maybe he was just trying to fire up his team. The real head-scratcher was when he compared himself to Tom Brady due to their "super model" wives. As I'm sure you all know, Brady is married to Gisele Bundchen, a super model. Rex Ryan's wife Michelle was featured in an NFL ad hawking clothes for women. I have a call in to Victoria's Secret to find out if Michelle Ryan was considered for the catalog. Gisele Bundchen has undoubtedly been the fantasy of men all over the world. Michelle Ryan has been the fantasy of men who have a foot fetish. Brady-1, Ryan-0.

So that's cool. I had some funny ideas not involving the terms "agony of defeat", "4th and a foot", or quoting the classic Necessary Roughness, "welcome to foot.....balls"
 
I had a roundtable idea with Ryan, the butler from Mr. Deeds, Najeh Davenport, Osi Umenyiora, etc... I was going pretend to interview Michelle Ryan's feet, and talk to other parts of her body jealous of them. I think I could have pulled them off, but then the OSU news broke...

If you haven't heard by now, Terrelle Pryor, Boom Herron, Devier Posey, and two more Buckeyes have been suspended for the first five games of 2011. They sold awards and traded their autographs for tattoos. Seriously.

Add to that my 3/5 start to picking Bowl games(thanks Fresno State and Southern Miss), Michigan State losing to Texas, and the holidays, and I'm one happy camper. So take a little time out today to appreciate the little things, and the joy they bring. Sing, bling, ring, king. Rhyming, FTW. In these tough times, days like today are few and far between.

This Week in Great College Basketball Names

Christian Standhardinger

Christian Standhardinger is not the villian from Die Hard. That was Hans Gruber. Standhardinger is not the name of the new Wocka Flocka Flame single either. He is was a sophomore forward for the Nebraska Cornhuskers. He averaged 8.1 ppg as a freshman, and until his departure last week, was averaging 9.5 points and 5.5 rebounds. He recently left the team to pursue other basketball endeavors. Think of it as a Big German Fish in a small Nebraska pond. The dining commons refused to serve spatzle or schnitzel, and continually mocked his Leiderhosen. Poor guy had enough, so he said "Ich bin von hier. Sie essen die Leute viel zu viel Mais."

It would have been awesome to see him in the Big Ten nest season, going against the Brusewitzes, Borovnjaks, Marcotullios,Sarikopolouses, and Smotryczes of the world. Oh well. There's always Bobby Copobianco at Indiana.

The Big Ten Stays Behind the Times

Really? I mean seriously? Sigh.....Well maybe in conjunction with good divisional names. How about Bo and Woody? Too snooty. How about East and West? Too geographical. Herp and Derp? Right, right, too intelligent sounding. Leaders and Legends? Perfect.

I really hoped the Big Ten would come out of this looking cool or maybe even hip. Nossir. We get the most generic/unimaginative/alliterative names possible, and a logo that looks like clip art. Well played sirs, well played.

Big Ten Bowl Predictions

With all but one Big Ten game played, now seems as good a time as any to predict which Big Ten team goes where for December/January.

(A quick note, the SEC is hard to predict. If Auburn beats the GameCocks next week, they will play for the BCS National Championship. If they lose? All hell breaks loose with the Cocks going to the Sugar Bowl, and Auburn taking up an at large birth. So these will most likely be totally wrong in regards to SEC opponents. I also added this preface to work "Cocks" in the post to help with google hits.....and to make me giggle. Heh heh, cocks. I am also using Wikipedia for bowl tie-ins, so shoot them if the projection order is wrong)

Wisconsin- Rose Bowl. Your 2010 Big Ten Champion. They started the week with the highest BCS average, and did nothing to lose ground to Ohio State or Michigan State. They still have an outside shot at the BCS National Championship game, but it would take some absolute craziness to happen.

Ohio State- At large BCS bid. They are a team that travels well, and has one loss. They remain in second place in the Big Ten after beating Michigan 37-7. Which game will depend on factors I won't pretend to understand. I do know that it won't be the Fiesta since they are stuck with the Big East winner this year. So the Orange Bowl against Virginia Tech/Florida State, or the Sugar Bowl against Auburn/Lsu/Arkansas/South Carolina.

Michigan State- Capitol One Bowl. A great season for the Spartans ends with them playing in Orlando on New Years Day. Their opponent will be chosen from Alabama/Arkansas/LSU.

Here, again, things get muddled as Iowa, Illinois, and Penn State all 4-4 in conference, and assuming an Illini win at Fresno, 7-5 overall records. I will just base it on my perceived power rankings

Iowa-Outback Bowl. Yeah, they just lost to Minnesota. They were a top 25 team most of the season, and has a better recent track record than PSU and Illinois. They will be matching up against another SEC team, so who ever trickles down this far. I would guess Arkansas or South Carolina.

Penn State-Gator Bowl. This seems logical. I can't see a committee selecting Ron Zook over Joe Paterno. Paterno says he will return, but the dude is 83. The SEC opponent this time will be Florida or Mississippi State.

Illinois-Insight Bowl. They are the first Big Ten team not in a BCS bowl to not face an SEC team. They will take on the fourth pick from the Big 12, so Missouri/Texas A&M/Oklahoma State are possible foes.

Michigan-Texas Bowl. I am picking Michigan over Northwestern for a plethora of reasons.

1. This is Michigan's first bowl game since 2007.
2. Northwestern is without their starting QB.
3. The RichRod saga will bring extra attention. For this reason, I could see a bowl passing over Illinois/Iowa to take Michigan.

The Texas Bowl opponent for the Big Ten is the 6th pick from the Big 12. Think Baylor.

Northwestern-TicketCity Bowl. The what? Yep, it exists. Any who, they will face another team from the Big 12. Texas Tech or Kansas State are all that's left.

So there you have it. Depending on your travel agent's refund/cancellation policy, order your tickets now.