The "official" SEMS Hate Week Drinking Game

LEGAL DISCLAIMER

THE AUTHOR IS NOT LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE TO COVER THE MEDICAL COSTS ASSOCIATED WITH IRREVOCABLE DAMAGE TO YOUR KIDNEYS, LIVER, OR REPUTATION SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO PARTICIPATE.

So, it’s Michigan-Michigan State day. Michigan has lost 4 in a row. Michigan State has a new QB and receivers that can’t catch. You know this. You can read that anywhere. I’m here to make your game day experience more enjoyable. Or, depending on the outcome, make it so you don’t remember what happened. You’re welcome.

So I decided to create my own little drinking game to follow along with while you watch. The rules are simple. If you quit, you’re smarter than the people that don’t. If you make it through to the end and are still able to stand, I wish to erect a monument in your honor, and worship at it twice a year. I just said erect, which happens more times than you would imagine. Ok, so legalities out of the way, we’re off.

1.       1 drink every time the term “Little Brother” is used. It was stupid when Mike Hart said it, and Michigan hasn’t won since.

2.       1 drink every time said 4-year winning streak is mentioned. My liver already hurts.

3.       1 drink every time Denard Robinson’s penchant for not tying his shoes is mentioned. We get it. He’s a senior now. Everyone knows this.

4.       2 drinks every time a player is called by the wrong name. There is no Virgil Smith on Michigan’s roster

.

5.       2 drinks every time an MSU receiver drops a catchable pass. I’m looking at you, Bennie Fowler.

6.       2 drinks every time Denard Robinson turns the ball over. Self explanatory.

7.       3 drinks every time one of those turnovers is an interception without a Michigan WR within 8 yards.

8.       3 drinks every time an MSU defender does something that would be considered assault if it occurred outside the confines of the game.

9.       5 drinks if it is by a player other than William Gholston.

10.   5 drinks every time Fitzgerald Toussaint is tackled for a loss/no gain.

11.   5 drinks every time Mark Dantonio tries to outwit himself. This includes fake punts/fake kicks/quadruple option reverses/and goping for it on 4^th and 12 at his own 17 yard line.

12.   6 drinks when Michigan uses its second timeout with 8 minutes left in the first or third quarters.

13.   7 drinks if the camera catches Brady Hoke running more than ten yards to get the referee’s attention to do so.

14.   7 drinks if Andrew Maxwell or Denard Robinson complete 70% of their passes.

15.   10 drinks if Andrew Maxwell AND Denard Robinson complete 70% of their passes.

16.   Finish your drink if we see Jack Kennedy throw a pass. It’s either celebration time or incoherence time.

So there you have it. Have fun. Don’t drink and drive. Go Blue. Beat State.

On 3-0, 4-0, and 92-67

On this date, September 26, 2011, the Detroit Lions are 3-0. This isn’t some weird situation where the preseason started late, so the games don’t count. They are 3-0 in the regular season. Of the NFL.

…

By now I’m sure you’ve seen all the stats about the last time they were 3-0. How Jimmy Carter was president, and gas cost $1.22 /gallon, and the number one song in America was Diana Ross’ “Upside Down”. Shit, I wasn’t even born yet. But there are other fun facts. For instance, only 8 players from the 53 man roster were actually alive the last time they were 3-0. In 1980, the Kansas City Royals played in the World Series. I will stop there.

But is all the celebration a case of a starved fan base grasping onto the first glimmer of positivity they have seen in what seems like forever? Maybe. Is this a mirage; a team playing way above their head that will struggle to win another game this season? I say no. This is a team that blew out Tampa Bay (10-6 last year, and 2-1 so far this year), Kansas City (which isn’t that impressive given their struggles this year, but they were 10-6 last season), and then rallied from a 20-0 halftime deficit to beat the Vikings in Minnesota for the first time since 1997.

I am trying so hard not to overreact. I truly am, but I’m not sure I have the self-control. This is obviously one of the 5 best teams in the NFL right now. Key word being now. Will they keep this up? Hopefully.

Up next is Dallas. Dallas is one of the more wounded teams going right now. Tony Romo is playing tonight with a broken rib, and is one hit away from starting Jon Kitna again. Miles “gums” Austin is out, Felix Jones and Dez Bryant are hobbled, and they have 2 injured kickers. Ouch….literally. This could be a completely different looking team on Sunday. They will also have a short week after playing on MNF.

Also, check out my predictions so far….Not too shabby.

As for the Wolverines, it is a similar story. They are 4-0, when I expected 3-1. It took the comeback of all comebacks in the greatest football game I have ever witnessed to beat Notre Dame to get there, but there they are.

Many thought that with “Gorgeous” AL Borges coming on as the offensive coordinator, that Denard Robinson’s rushing production would be limited. Wrong-o. Wrong,wrong,wrong. Denard is currently leading the NCAA in rushing yards per game since they didn’t count the Western Game. His passing game has regressed (save for the heaves in the 4^th quarter of the Irish game) but his legs still need to be game planned against.

The defense is a toss-up from week to week. They gave up 207 yards on the ground to Eastern, but held Ronnie Hillman to his worst game so far. No one knows which defense will show up. They have only given up 12.8 ppg, good for 11^th in the country, a far cry from last year when they gave up 7349 points a game.

There is more good news. They play Minnesota next. Yay! Minnesota is 1-3, and just lost to Div I-AA North Dakota State by 13. I would talk more shit about them, but their coach has medical concerns, and I’m better than that. Shut up cocksucker, I am.

So, it’s a pretty good time to be a Lions/Wolverines fan right about now. 7-0, with postseason aspirations, and Denard Robinson and Calvin Johnson are two of the most impressive athletes in their respective sports.  Of course, it could all come tumbling down like it usually does. I don’t care, I’m getting naked and dancing in the streets. Wanna stop me? Donate money to a charity. BOOM.

Also, as I am preparing to go to the monsoon turned game tonight, the Tigers are heading to the postseason. I have a future post planned, but I wanted to give you a heads up that I will be in the front row above the bullpen for tonight’s game at Comerica. If the Tigers start losing, I will be the guy drunkingly stumbling around in left-center before getting tased by a 73 year old lady security guard.

Quickie Previews for the 2011 season

So, this year, I have decided to do all my previews for Michigan's opponents before the season. I figure that not much changes during the season, and I am too stubborn to change my opinion anyway. And since any Tourette's afflicted chimpanzee can write in-depth scouting reports about college football (seriously, Google that ish) I will put my typical SEMS spin on it. For my 6 loyal readers, you know what that means. For the people that stumble upon this looking for some weird fetish porn; I'm sorry, but good luck in your search.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER

The facts listed below are not based on actual, you know, facts. This is to be taken as humor, so don't bet your house (ok, let's be honest, anyone who would take this as gospel, and bet their residence is probably living in a trailer park) or kid's college fund on it. Except the Michigan State portion, I'm pretty sure it will be 100% factual.

Ok, with the lawya stuff out of the way (actually, I don't have a lawyer on staff, but I was watching Judge Mathis) let's get down to the nitty gritty. Nitty Gritty? When did I turn 60? The previews are meant to be read in less than 2 minutes each. Any more than 2 minutes, and it gets boring, just ask my wife. Right honey? Honey? Hun? Who's that Italian gentleman talking to my wife? Where's she going in his Fiat? Hon, where you going? Hon?

Ok, so maybe 2 minutes and 15 seconds will be better. Unless you can't read, in which case s.kfgduihgduslfgfghliufgihdsbo;.

WESTERN MICHIGAN

Anytime you have a direction in your school's name, you don't count. And before you say West Virginia, that's the name of the state, and they still don't count. If you have a direction in your name, or it's only a fineable offense to fellate your cousin, you don't count. But I digress; WMU will be ok this year. They have Alex Carder who plays quarterback. And Jordan White had 10 td catches last year. I'm also willing to bet they have other players that wear uniforms. The bottom line is that Hoke will be looking to make a statement in his first game, and that statement will be accompanied by pointing, because that's what Hoke does. Easy Michigan win.

NOTRE DAME

ND will be good this year. They have returning depth at QB, a Samoan MLB, the top incoming DL class in the nation, and a drunk driving WR. In essence, they are the Bengals circa every year I've been alive. They will be the typical ND team. They will win one to two games against real opponents, and beat the cupcakes to reach a New Year's Day bowl game. I just hope that Jimmy Clausen breaks his leg. Yes, I realize Jimmah is in the NFL for the second year, but I really can’t stand the emu. Close game.

EASTERN MICHIGAN

I just can’t bring myself to say mean things about the Hurons. I also can’t bring myself to call them the Eagles. The Eagles have won two games in 2 years. They haven’t had a winning record since 1995. They haven’t been to a bowl game since 1987. But they return QB Alex Gillett and 7 starters on the defense. They should be better than they were last year, but that isn’t saying much. I’m guessing Hoke lets off the gas pedal earlier than normal since Ron English is a Michigan Man. Easy Michigan win.

SAN DIEGO STATE

The grudge match. The scorned team seeks revenge on the coach that left them for greener (bluer?) pastures. The surfer dudes versus the Northern hippies. The Hatfields versus the McCoys. Snooki versus dignity. This is a game I am looking forward to. SDSU knows what Hoke and Borges will do. They also have the best QB-RB duo Michigan will face all season. Sorry, Spartan fans, but it’s true. I think this game will be very close, but the Aztecs lost their 3 leading receivers from last year. Then they lost the 2 receivers who were expected to replace them in the starting lineup. Their WR 2-deep will remind you of last year’s Michigan secondary. Sorry for that visual. Hey coach Hoke, which way to the beach?

Thanks, yo!

At this point, I would be stoked for a 3-1 record, with a loss to either Notre Dame or SDSU. 4-0 would make me ecstatic until I remembered that they started 4-0 and 5-0 the last two years.

MINNESOTA

The Geauxfers lose their all-time leading passer, but replace him with MarQueis Gray, who is a tremendous athlete. They return 8 starters from a defense that gave up 33 ppg last season, so I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or not. I mean, YAY experience, but it’s experience that is not very good at playing football. The have a new coach in Jerry Kill who was 23-16 at Northern Illinois in 3 seasons. But his name is Kill, so they have improved in the “coach’s name is intimidating” area over Tim Brewster. I will go out on a limb, and pencil Michigan in for a W here.

NORTHWESTERN

Nerds –v- Nerds. Only, this time, the Nerds can fight back. NW has Dan Persa back from tearing his Achilles whilst throwing a game-winning TD against Iowa. They have 9 total starters back on offense. This will be a good game. Based on pure talent, Michigan wins in a massacre. But Michigan is transitioning, and NW is a very well coached team under Pat Fitzgerald. I think Michigan wins, but I’m not putting any money on it.



MICHIGAN STATE

I will be nice. I will be nice. I will be nice. The Spartans have the second-best QB-RB duo Michigan will face this year, Kirk Cousins had 2825 yards and a 20-10 ratio last year.  He is being touted as a 2-3 round NFL draft pick, which LOL, so he has some talent. Edwin Baker is an All Big Ten pick. They have good depth at RB with Caper and Bell, and decent talent at WR with Cunningham and Nichol. They also have Jerel Worthy who some call a top-10 draft pick, despite his 4 sacks and 4 tfl last year. Another close game that could go either way, but MSU has all the momentum in the series.

BYE

I haven’t heard of this school, but they play every school in the country, so they must be tired at the end of the year.

PURDUE

Danny Hope is a cock-faced shit raper. I really can’t stand him, and his stupid pedo-stache. Ever since he flipped out and threw his gum, I hope he stubs his toe every time he wakes up to piss. When he coined the “Snake Oil” meme, I wanted to hit him in the face with a sock full of rusty nails. Also, their starting QB tore his ACL, and will have to play former Miami Hurricane Robert Marve. They also lost Ryan Kerrigan who was a first round draft pick. HAHA Hope. Karma’s a bitch. Michigan wins 134-0.

IOWA

I thought bringing excitement to the Purdue game was tough… Iowa loses Ricky Stanzi, and a bunch of their BAMFs on defense. The return 9 starters total, and their “star” RB Marcus Coker will tear an ACL or contract Ricketts, because that’s what Iowa running backs do. Their QB is Dawson’s Creek sound alike, James Vandenberg, and he will throw it to Marvin McNutt. I just wanted to work McNutt’s name in there somehow. I hope I didn’t force it too bad. Despite the evidence to the contrary, Iowa will be good again, and will likely be favored in this game.

ILLINOIS

I want to thank the Illini game from last year for bringing Greg Mattison to Ann Arbor. The 67-65 3OT game sealed Gerg’s fate, and that is a reason to be thankful. I feel like I should send a fruit basket to show my gratitude. They are a trendy sleeper pick, which is a complete oxy-moron, but it’s true. Nathan Scheelhaase looked good as a redshirt freshman last season, and well, that’s about it. They lose Mikel Leshoure. They lose perpetual under-achiever Jarred Fayson. They lose Martez Wilson, Travon Bellomy, and Corey Liuget on D. And they have Ron Zook as their head coach. That sounds like it equals out to negative 3 wins. Michigan SHOULD win this easily.

At this point, I will say 6-4. 7-3 or better, and I will do unspeakable things to pictures of Hoke. Which picture?

Now comes the grinder. Nebraska and Ohio. Bring that shit, son.

NEBRASKA

I like Nebraska in the Big 10. I welcome their style of football, and their history. I just think that they will have success this year that will cause their fans to become insufferable. They are in a down Big Ten, and probably don’t see it. The only competition in the Legends Division is MSU, and they are coached by a moron. So, I will say this to them….”SHHH. That sound you hear is nobody being scared of you, no matter what happens in 2011. Have your fun. Enjoy the trip to the inaugural Big Ten Championship, because it gets harder. Not to say you can’t compete for it every year, but it won’t be this easy. This is like the introductory rate from Comcast. We suck you in, treat you well until it’s too late to back out, then BOOM, abuse you like Britney Spears’ children. We hope you enjoy your stay.”

Ahem… They return Taylor Martinez and 4 other starters on offense. They return tackling machine Lavonte David and Baker Stenikuhler on D. Kickers….coaching…blah blah. Probable Michigan loss until further notice.

What time is it? GAME TIME!!!

OHIO

I was going to start off with a joke. Maybe a tattoo joke. Possibly a car dealership joke. Maybe something along the lines of a “people from Ohio are so stupid……” joke. Then I remembered that I’m better than that. Then I was reminded that I’m not. How many Ohioans does it take to get free tattoos? 2. One to get the tattoo, and one to lie to the NCAA about it. Right to their faces. Even when they ask you directly about the incident in question. And then you suspend yourself for less games than the kids who messed up. Then you just say fuck it, and resign.

HAHAHA. I love jokes.

Ohio is still a talented team. They will start 26 year old Joe Bauserman at QB and sprinkle in highly touted freshman Braxton Miller. As much as Pryor underachieved, he will be missed in Columbus. They will lose top RB Dan “Boom” Herron for the first five games, and another RB was just suspended. Their top OT is suspended for 5 games. You get the picture.

Their defense returns 4 starters, 2 of which Phil Steele named first team Big Ten this year. Nathan Williams, who had 46 tackles, 4.5 sacks, and 5 tfl, and LB Andrew Sweat who was their #9 tackler last year, and had 1 tfl. His magazine is based in Columbus, OH, so it makes more sense now. Fat Detroit native, Johnathan Hankins also returns. He is still fat.

Coaching wise, who the fuck knows? If Tressel returns, they win this game going away. With Fickell, I haven’t a clue. I am not impressed with their defense, and their offense “depends” on a 26-year old QB. Depends, get it? Unless Miller is some sort of superstar right away, I think Michigan wins this one.

So, there you have it. I am calling for 7-8 wins, and an early December bowl game. I can live with that in year one for coach Hoke. Hey coach, if we lose the toss, which side of the field do we defend?

TresseLOL is no more

FIRST REACTION-

SECONDARY REACTION-

Fuck. Wait, what?

The head coach of your biggest rival resigns amidst major accusations of player misconduct, and you are upset? The same coach that is was 9-1 against Michigan? The same coach that consistently lands top ranked recruiting classes months after playing in BCS Bowl Games? The guy that did for sweater vests what The Fonz did for leather jackets?

The exact same one. James Patrick Tressel. Coverer of facts. Look-a-liker of Owls. Molder of young men.

Yep. It saddens me a little. I foolishly thought he was clean. I knew Pryor was a "well compensated student athlete." Everyone did. Everyone whose school he was considering knew there was a fairly decent chance he would end up driving nicer cars than the coaching staff. Hell, I was happy with my 2008 Impala until he was seen driving around in this....

This picture is titled "pryor-fucktard.jpg" which is nice

But I thought Tressel would suspend him(or anyone else doing what Pryor does/did) for a season and regain his institutional control. I figured he would reach the Sugar/Rose Bowl with Braxton Miller and all would be forgiven. He could send a message to everyone that his big fish weren't above the law. I thought he was truly just looking out for his players. I thought UM-OSU was finally on the right track.

I thought wrong. It happens. Often.

Instead, it seems that he resigned before the real hammer comes down. Pete Carrol must have better timing than Tressel, since he landed in the NFL. Tressel will likely land in either airport hotel lobbies, or ESPN. I am already signed up for a "Prospering in college sports when dealing with inner city athletes" seminar with a yet-to-be-announced speaker.

I signed up early, so I got two free drink coupons. I can't see him ever coaching again. At least not in college, and let's be honest, he wouldn't make it in the NFL. 

So why, after all that, am I upset he's gone? Because he left on top. At least over Michigan. Sure, the eligibility of his players is in question, but on the field? He kicked our asses 9 out of 10 times. Ok, maybe 8/10 (thanks Shawn Crable "late hit" call in '06).  And we will never be able to get revenge. Ever.

Whoever they bring in next will be given the requisite 2-3 years, so even a win won't smell as sweet. And if it's Urban Meyer, Bob Stoops, Jon Gruden, or some other top tier guy, they won't need much more than a year. And, yes, we may steal a few recruits this year. Tressel did such a good job that they can absorb a bad recruiting season. National Signing Day is months and months away.

I am a big fan of analogies, so imagine this. You have been getting bullied for years. The last few years, you had a broken arm which inhibits your ability to fight back (RR era). Now you got your cast off, and have been working out non-stop to regain your strength (Hoke-A-Mania). So you march over to the bully's house, and he has moved out. Joined some religious cult, and travels from airport to airport handing out literature. He has changed his name to escape the demons of his past. He's essentially disappeared.

Is his current situation revenge enough for you? Wouldn't you feel more fulfilled if you had been able to unleash a good 'ole fashioned ass-whooping? I know I would.

Knee-Jerk Reaction Time

Mother fucker. Balls shit ass fuck . I told myself before the game not to be upset if Michigan loses. It seemed safe when they were down by 15 in the second half. "Talent eventually takes over " I told myself. "Nobody expected a tournament bid this year." "Duke is the defending NCAA champion." Yada yada yada. A little piece of me died when Morris' floater clanged off the back of the rim. A bigger piece joined it when I saw how side open Novak and Douglass were.

Nevertheless, I love this team. I have to remember that there are no seniors on this team. Everyone is coming back. Smotrycz and Hardaway will have some experience. Brundidge and Burke will be contributers as freshmen. Already calming down. I want to be clear, I am not upset/mad/disappointed with Morris. You want your best player taking those shots, and he took one. I think I'm just mad that Michigan just exposed the team I picked to win it all.

It will be weird next fall when people are talking Michigan basketball when there is still football to be played, but I can see it happening. I am planning a stock-report on every team in the Big Ten, and it isn't ridiculous to say Michigan can contend for the championship. When's the last time anyone could say that?

What's worse is I can't even root against OSU until the Elite 8. Good lord, this makes less sense than normal. Oh well, time to hit publish...

Michigan-Duke Preview

I never got around to writing much of a preview for the Duke game. I had every intention to finally learn photoshop and crop Kyle Singler's head onto a ballerina's body, or Mike Kryhbdshfbsjbfuifiubfuidsbfiusduisfuiski's face onto a donkey's ass. I truly did. But I got caught up watching the Women's tournament, and I......I almost got that whole sentence out without laughing. But seriously, I didn't write a preview. Other than this one. I don't want to brag, but it's probably the best Michigan-Duke preview of a game to be played on Sunday, March 20th that I've ever written.

In conclusion, read my preview here. And Go Blue. Duck Fuke!

Duke Hate Weekend-2011 Edition

More to come...

Five reasons Michigan will win this game

First, go check out my preview with actual analysis at MSG. That one has stats and thought. The following will contain none of that. By "popular" demand, here are my five reasons Michigan will beat Tennessee...

1) They have a player named Skylar McBee. For real. He looks exactly like you thought someone named Skylar McBee would look...

2) 6'10'', 272 pound center Brian Williams will more than likely miss major minutes in the second half. Whether it be foul trouble, or waiting in the concession line for some nachos (he's fat, get it?) and they have no depth. Don't believe me? I told you to read this!

3) Bruce Pearl is a fucking cheater. He lied to the NCAA. What kind of coach would do such a thing? Cheaters never win, unless you're USC.

4) Today is March 18th. As in the day after St. Patrick's Day. As in the heaviest drinking day in the world (I'm assuming). As in a day Irish people tend to go a little crazy. Michigan has one Irish player, reserve center Blake McLimans. Tennessee has two. The aforementioned McBee, and freshman guard Jordan McRae. Wait, he isn't Irish?

Oh, well McRae fucking cheats too.

5) I get all the retro hairstyles. The Mohawk came back a few years ago, and hasn't left.  Brandon Rush rocked the high-top fade a few years back at Kansas

So Scotty Hopson's hair is neither cool nor original. He's a good player, and will make more money than I ever will, but c'mon man. Step your hair game up. Here's Hopson...

Meh. Here's a few options to let him really stand out...
The "Get to Da Choppa"

It's shown here on a female, but it can work on anyone...

Then we have the "New Era"...

He and McBee can show team unity...

Still not enough? How about the "6th man"? Teams will spend so much time arguing to the refs about the extra player on the court, he can score 100 points...

How about the "Post Game Celebration"? It lets him keep the flat top, and add in a little "party in the back"...

No? How about he go back to the 80's and rock the classic "Gumby"?

That's bonus points for getting Bobby Brown in the post. That's the type of quality you have come to expect here at SEMS.

Bonus) Fuck Peyton Manning. Ohh, Boo-Hoo, I should have won the Heisman in 1997. No. No you shouldn't have. Your brother is a disgrace. Also, Charles Woodson, bitch.

Go Blue. Games at...I covered that here.

Michigan to Play Tennessee

After an improbably surprising 20 win season, the Michigan basketball team will play Tennessee. They received an 8 seed, which, wow. Wow. If they win, they will play the winner of Duke/Hampton. Or Duke.

I didn't see an NCAA Tournament bid this season. I would have been encouraged by an NIT bid, to be perfectly honest. This has been one of the most entertaining seasons in quite some time for Michigan fans. They last made the tournament in 2009 when they beat Clemson before getting "Griffinized". Yeah, it was bad.



This year Novak and Douglass will have a chance to advance farther in their junior seasons. A full, informative  preview will be coming at MSG. A snarky, mildly inappropriate preview will be coming right here. I will not criticize the seeding because, well, I am just happy they're in. I would have guessed a 10 or 11. The end of season run must have been more impressive than I thought. They were pretty safe going into the Big Ten Tournament, and secured it by beating Illinois.

No matter what happens, the future is bright. There are no seniors on the roster, and will be adding two high caliber guards for next year in former Jared Sullinger teammate PG Trey Burke, and Southfield's Carlton Brundidge. While not adding much size, both can score (especially Brundidge) and should be able to contribute as freshmen. They are also still in the mix for undersized PF Max Bielfeldt and SF/PF Larry Nance Jr., who would team with Tim Hardaway Jr, Jordan Dumars,Jon Horford, and 2012 commit Glenn Robinson III, to make up a killer father/son team.

This is a rivalry that goes back at least to 1997, when Charles Woodson beat Peyton Manning for the Heisman. They also cheat, which is nice.

Go Blue!

Never trust a man in a vest

Orson tried to warn us all years ago. But we didn't listen. We never listen. We are stubborn like children. We want to believe in something pure so bad that we ignore all the obvious warning signs. In a world of Pete Carroll, Lane Kiffin, and John Calipari, we grasp onto coaches like Jim Tressel like some sort of deity. "Tressel does things the right way" we say to ourselves as he beats our team 7 straight years. We can somewhat accept losing, so long as it's on the level. We despise Miami, because we know they cheat. Same with USC. Texas? What a fine program they are running down in Austin. That Bob Stoops from Oklahoma is a hell of a coach.

So what do we do when our preconceived notions are crushed? The same thing we did when we learned the truth about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny (that they are realer than Read Deal Holyfield, to all my younger readers) and think back to all the little moments of doubt we had over the years. All those dead giveaways that we ignored, denying ourselves a second thought over the absurdity of it's existence. "Sure, a fat man in a velvet suit can slide down our, and everyone else's, chimneys, take a milk and cookie break, leave presents, spelunk the chimney again, and head to the next house. Then he goes to every other house in the world, and repeats the process all in one night."

The same can be said about Jim Tressel. Sure, OSU reported 375 seperate violations in almost a decade. Sure, JT had trouble at Youngstown State. We never had concrete evidence that he was dirty. Until now. When notified of impending trouble, he wished the messenger a Happy Easter.

Hat Tip to Mvictors.com

So he allowed the potentially ineligible players to play in every game. When the accusations were made public, he lobbied to allow his players to play in the Sugar Bowl. He stood behind the players, 22 year olds, as they were suspended for 5 games in 2011. All the while, he knew about it since April. For Shame.

AJ Green, a WR from Georgia, was suspended for four games for selling a game worn jersey. Dez Bryant, formerly of Oklahoma State, now with the Dallas Cowboys, was suspended for 10 games in 2009. He had dinner with Deion Sanders, and lied to the NCAA about it. So Bryant lies to the NCAA and misses most of his Junior season, but Tressel does the same, and will miss games against Akron and Toledo?

If I were a parent, I would be outraged. Many of these parents put their trust in guys like Tressel when their son commits to Ohio State. He is to be trusted as a de facto parent. He is responsible for not only teaching these players blocking schemes, but how to be a man. Am I wrong? The OSU Mission Statement doesn't think so. Here is a snippet:

Integrity in all aspects of behavior - The highest sense of integrity shall characterize every aspect of policy, performance and programs in the OSUDA. All participants in the OSUDA shall exemplify impeccable integrity - be they student athletes, coaching staff, administrative professionals or support staff of the department.

 So what should happen? I say the NCAA should throw the book at them. Then send someone to Columbus to explain to everyone what a book is. Then bring much tougher sanctions than 2 games and $250,000. The self-imposed penalties are a big "Fuck You, Pay Me" to the NCAA. I am not calling for Tressel to lose his job. That is up to the University. I wouldn't be shocked if he did lose his job, however. OSU has to try to save some face here. Players selling/trading their trophies is embarrassing enough, but a cover-up on top of it all?

One year, I wanna say it was 1991, my suspicions should have been confirmed. I was at my dad and step-mom's house. It was Christmas Eve. We had to run out for milk. As we climbed in the car, my step-mom "forgot" something in the house. She ran in for 3-4 minutes tops, and re-emerged and we were on our way. When we got home, the entire tree skirt was covered in presents. Santa must have come when we were at the store. It never occurred to my sister or I that the present's were staged, ready to go when we left. That nothing was forgotten in the house. That the presents were brought out while we fought over which seat we would sit in. I just wanted to believe that bad.

I don't remember the exact moment I learned the truth about Santa or the Tooth Fairy. I don't think it was too long after the above incident. I'm sure I was inconsolable for a good 15 minutes. I'm sure I questioned how my parents could deceive me. I'm sure I went through miniature versions of the 5 stages of grief. But I got over it. I realized how silly the whole charade was. I realized how naive I was to have believed for so long.

This is that day. The above e-mail is like finding a receipt on December 26th that lists all the presents I got from Santa. Maybe there are no clean coaches. Maybe the whole college game is dirtier than I ever imagined.  Maybe OSU will have to vacate their wins from 2010, and the winning streak is back to 6. Hey, a blogger can dream, can't he?

Michigan-Illinois Preview

I posted my Michigan-Illinois preview over at MSG. Link?

Link!

In Depth UM-MSU Postgame Analysis

We Goin Dancin!

2012 Michigan Recruiting

My early look at 2012 Recruiting is up over at MSG. So go read it. Seriously, GO!!!!

Michigan Recruiting Recap

I posted my thoughts on the newest Wolverines over at Michigan Sports Guy, so go check it out!

U of M Recruiting Coverage

I am working on a big U of M recruiting day wrap up that I will post at MSG on Thursday/Friday. National Signing day is Wednesday, and so much can change in the last few days, I don't want to count any chickens before they hatch. For those not familiar with NSD, it's like the college version of free agency, with 10 hours of live ESPNU coverage. Although many players commit before NSD, it's not binding until they sign their letter of intent. College basketball has an early signing period, but football does not.

So to get a rundown of Michigan's next wave of freshman, be on the lookout for it at MSG.

Bahahahahahaha

AHHHH hahahahaha ha
1,181 days sinc.... AHAHAHAHAHA

Yes it was one game, but MSU was a preseason top-5 team, and Michigan didn't return anyone who averaged more than 7.4 points. Also,

Tate Forcier to Transfer

The Detroit News is reporting that Forcier intends to transfer. This is as surprising as seeing Wendy Williams at a urinal. His brother, Jason, transferred to Stanford when Ryan Mallett arrived in Ann Arbor. His brother Chris, transferred from UCLA to Furman. The Forcier family dog transferred from ABC Obedience School to Roll Over, Rover, a private school in Colorado.

This does little to the depth chart, except thin it out. Denard Robinson will be a true junior this season. Devin Gardner is applying for a "medical redshirt" and will have plenty of time left either way. I'm also assuming  Hoke and Borges are recruiting a QB for this class, so the depth chart will have 3 scholarship players on it.

Either way, Good Luck to Tate wherever he ends up. He gave us hope in 2009, and his run against ND was the shit. Good night, sweet prince.



Let's just hope this doens't linger over Hoke's head like the Rodriguez/Mallett fiasco.

EDIT-For more, see the amazing work over at Midnight Maize.

Big Ten Coaches React to Hoke Hiring

I recently completed a four day road trip to interview the head coaches from the other Big Ten schools to gather their opinions on Michigan hiring Brady Hoke. The following are some of the highlights...

Ron Zook, Illinois- Coach Zook would not answer any specific questions about Hoke, but did drop down and knock out 40 one-handed push ups. I can only assume he was trying to intimidate me.....or court me, I haven't been able to figure out which. Since our meeting, he has sent me 15-20 strongly worded texts a day.

Bill Lynch, Indiana- I was chagrined to learn that Lynch was fired. He had a tumultuous relationship with Rich Rodriguez, and was hoping for some insight. New coach Kevin Wilson was busy recruiting, and was unable to meet with me.

Kirk Ferentz, Iowa- After being a rumored candidate to replace Lloyd Carr during the last fiasco, Kirk Ferentz holds unique insight into the workings of a Michigan coaching search. He was unable to comment on David Brandon, since his dealings were with Bill Martin. He did however offer me a scholarship to play RB.

Mark Dantonio, Michigan State- I mistakenly wore Maize and Blue as I walked into Coach Dantonio's office. Big mistake. He would not let me record the conversation, but if memory serves me right, he uttered the following phrases.

• If Michigan were battling prostate cancer, he would root for the cancer
• He rhymed Hoke with "choke, joke, smoke, poke, and broke". I mentioned that he forgot "toke", and Charles Rogers appeared out of thin air. Dantonio also chucked a stapler at me.
• He was afraid that Michigan could no longer be considered the "little brother", an obvious reference to Hoke's size.
• He offered a moment of silence for the U of M program.

He then excused himself, explaining that he needed to pick up his new starting RT, and that traffic in Jackson can be hectic.

Pat Fitzgerald, Northwestern- Coach Fitz was another supposed candidate for the vacancy in Ann Arbor, so I was looking forward to meeting with him. Unsurprisingly, as an NW alum, his answers were bland and filled with big words. In a nutshell, he was complimentary to Brandon, and wished Hoke well. He looked forward to continuing the rivalry with Michigan both on and off the field.

Bo Pelini, Nebraska- I figured I should get the Cornhusker perspective, since both Hoke and Pelini would be making their Big Ten debuts in 2011. He said he had just started to watch tape of Michigan's offense the day Rich was fired, and was gathering tape on SDSU as we spoke. I asked if he had ever run into Hoke on the recruiting trail, and he proceded to poke me in the chest, and call me a pussy for suggesting such a thing. I ran away, and decided to never step foot in Nebraska again.

Jim Tressel, Ohio State- Apathetic, or maybe unconcerned would best describe the 35 or so seconds we spoke. He welcomed Coach Hoke into the Big Ten, saying "Michigan succeeding was good for Ohio State, The Big Ten, and the NCAA". As I took a sip of water and pondered my next inquiry, I tripped over a box in the hallway labeled "Scarlet Vests" and spiiled some of my water on him. His head started spinning around, and smoke billowed from his ears and he slumped to the ground. Minutes later, the IT department introduced me to the real coach of the Buckeyes.

BXDG7799, Ohio State- I don't speak binary, but this is what printed from his robot mouth..."010001100111010101100011011010110010000001001101011010010110001101101000011010010110011101100001011011100010111000100000010010010010000001101000011011110111000001100101001000000111010001101000011001010010000001100101011011100111010001101001011100100110010100100000011100110111010001100001011101000110010100100000011000100111010101110010011011100111001100100000011101000110111100100000011101000110100001100101001000000110011101110010011011110111010101101110011001000010110000100000011000010110111001100100001000000111010001101000011011110111001101100101001000000110011001100001011101000010000001100011011010000110100101101100011001000010000001101101011011110110110001100101011100110111010001100101011100100111001100100000011001000110100101100101001000000110111101100110001000000100000101001001010001000101001100101110"

Joe Paterno, Penn State- "I remember when the Hoke family first stepped off the Mayflower. I was just starting at Penn State, and had a terrible case of Chilblains, and couldn't find my wooden spoon. I told George " Things are going to be tough for the horses this winter, maybe I should eat a sandwich". Well, Bill had gone to the well, to fetch a pail of..Llama's once abducted my favorite sweater, so I shot a bald eagle with a feather pen." At that point, I smelled feces, and Coach fell asleep. I let myself out.

At this point, I realized that, like most Michigan fans, these coaches had no idea what to expect. I canceled my trip to Purdue. Coach Bielema from Wisconsin happened to be in my area, and stopped by, but once again offered little in the way of insight. He did get his haircut 3 times during our 15 minute meeting, which I found odd.

All in all, it was a fun trip. I have seen these coaches on TV, but never in person. Coach Fitzgerald was extremely nice, and the Ohio State thing was strange. Coach Dantonio asked me to accompany him on his "recruiting trip", but only if I would swallow these strange balloons. I declined, and he parted with words that will haunt by nightmares.....

Denard Robinson to stay at Michigan

Well, I am man enough to admit that I was wrong about this one. This is the happiest I have been to be wrong in a looong time. I assumed that a coach bringing in an offense designed to be different from RRs, would mean the end of the "Shoelace" era. Well, he's staying according to Hoke, The Wolverine is reporting.

Al Borges has enough experience that he should be able to adapt Denard into any offense, while evolving it back to a more conventional Pro-Style, NFL training ground that Michigan fans are used to. Also, RB commit Justice Hayes is hinting on twitter that more commits are coming, and to watch the next few days, so keep an eye out.

All in all, I must say I may have slightly over-reacted in my initial criticism of the Hoke hire. Recruiting will be the biggest sign of success in the short term, so the next few days could be very telling.

Ndamukong Suh Named Rookie of the Year

The Sporting News has named Ndamukong Suh the NFL Rookie of the year. In other news, ice is cold.

Sam Bradford had a good year, but was not in the top 10 quarterbacks when you look at the numbers. Suh was easily one of the top DTs in the NFL. He led all NFL 4-3 DTs in tackles, led all DTs in sacks, and was one of 3 defensive linemen to return a fumble for a score.

Suh was named to start in the Pro Bowl, but elected to have surgery on his shoulder to be prepared for next season, and recently tweeted that his surgery was a success. (hat tip to Pride of Detroit for that one)

In other local news, The Sporting News also named former Michigan punter Zoltan Mesko to its all rookie team. This must be a nice honor, but as Space Emporer (of space), he is probably used to the spotlight.