Saturday, October 20, 2012

The "official" SEMS Hate Week Drinking Game


LEGAL DISCLAIMER
THE AUTHOR IS NOT LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE TO COVER THE MEDICAL COSTS ASSOCIATED WITH IRREVOCABLE DAMAGE TO YOUR KIDNEYS, LIVER, OR REPUTATION SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO PARTICIPATE.

So, it’s Michigan-Michigan State day. Michigan has lost 4 in a row. Michigan State has a new QB and receivers that can’t catch. You know this. You can read that anywhere. I’m here to make your game day experience more enjoyable. Or, depending on the outcome, make it so you don’t remember what happened. You’re welcome.

So I decided to create my own little drinking game to follow along with while you watch. The rules are simple. If you quit, you’re smarter than the people that don’t. If you make it through to the end and are still able to stand, I wish to erect a monument in your honor, and worship at it twice a year. I just said erect, which happens more times than you would imagine. Ok, so legalities out of the way, we’re off.

1.       1 drink every time the term “Little Brother” is used. It was stupid when Mike Hart said it, and Michigan hasn’t won since.

2.       1 drink every time said 4-year winning streak is mentioned. My liver already hurts.

3.       1 drink every time Denard Robinson’s penchant for not tying his shoes is mentioned. We get it. He’s a senior now. Everyone knows this.

4.       2 drinks every time a player is called by the wrong name. There is no Virgil Smith on Michigan’s roster
.
5.       2 drinks every time an MSU receiver drops a catchable pass. I’m looking at you, Bennie Fowler.

6.       2 drinks every time Denard Robinson turns the ball over. Self explanatory.

7.       3 drinks every time one of those turnovers is an interception without a Michigan WR within 8 yards.

8.       3 drinks every time an MSU defender does something that would be considered assault if it occurred outside the confines of the game.

9.       5 drinks if it is by a player other than William Gholston.

10.   5 drinks every time Fitzgerald Toussaint is tackled for a loss/no gain.

11.   5 drinks every time Mark Dantonio tries to outwit himself. This includes fake punts/fake kicks/quadruple option reverses/and goping for it on 4th and 12 at his own 17 yard line.

12.   6 drinks when Michigan uses its second timeout with 8 minutes left in the first or third quarters.

13.   7 drinks if the camera catches Brady Hoke running more than ten yards to get the referee’s attention to do so.

14.   7 drinks if Andrew Maxwell or Denard Robinson complete 70% of their passes.

15.   10 drinks if Andrew Maxwell AND Denard Robinson complete 70% of their passes.

16.   Finish your drink if we see Jack Kennedy throw a pass. It’s either celebration time or incoherence time.

So there you have it. Have fun. Don’t drink and drive. Go Blue. Beat State.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

It seems like a good time to dust this thing off

It's been a while, huh pals? Life got in the way of typing dick jokes, which is how communism started by the way, and I haven't had much time to update. But unfortunately for you all, I have decided to share my thoughts on all things sports, and probably other areas. Feel free to continue ignoring me. I'm married. I'm used to it.

A quick recap of the current events. Go Blue, Beat State. Go Tigers, beat Valverde. With baseball bats. Seriously, there are tons of them in the dugout. Lions seem destined to draft in the 14-18 range again. Hockey is in the middle of the Stanley Cup Finals between the Brataslava Cosmos and some Canadians.  The Pistons deserve their own post in the way that Miley Cyrus deserves Vancomycin-resistant herpes. You know they're gonna get it, it's just a matter of when.

So click my ads, like me on the Facebook, and {insert dick joke here.} Also, comparing Brittney Griner to the crackhead from Friday was the number one driver of traffic to the site while I was gone. So take that 8th grade English teacher. Reading Shakespeare WAS useless.